Escaping

Recently I found myself searching for a way to escape, to lose myself, and to completely empty my mind and thoughts. There’s a lot going on right now as there is for many of us and we all have our own way of coping with it. For me though it’s been a struggle. My sister has cancer, my mother is struggling with serious health issues, and my recent decision to take a management position has so occupied my mind that it seems like the daily need to prioritize decisions and juggle what seems like a dozen different things at once consumes me. A very close friend of mine who is on my crew is also undergoing a heroic struggle with chemo and radiation and is just entering the dark side of it all.            

So last night, I packed the fly rod, vest, and waders and stopped on the way home for a few hours. It didn’t work as I found myself still thinking. I fact, I found myself sitting along the water’s edge with the rod laid across my lap - just looking and searching for answers. It’s sad that I cannot escape so easily….I know it. I’ll be the first to admit – I was a bit scared and as I sat there my eyes started to sweat.              

You see being on the water or at the vice was always my solution. In fact, the vice was what occupied my mind during the long recent months of recovery from two surgeries. Couldn’t really fish so I tied. Although it hurt, tying allowed me not to feel it. But that was physical pain – this is different as I found out once again this morning. Couldn’t sleep last night thinking of it all and around 4am, I slid out of bed, poured a cup of coffee, turned on the lamp and sat down at the vice to try a Carrie Stevens pattern. About halfway through, I just yanked on the bobbin and broke it off and threw it in the can. So now I’m writing…….venting if you would and opening up to people who I’ve never met but consider my friends…..those who I’m sure can relate.           

I’m sure you’ve all been where I’m at – not being able to release it all. And I’m not searching for answers because we all have our own way. And it’ll come back for me at some point. It has to because what was so important to me was the way I could always …..not forget….. but to escape. And there are times in all of our lives when we loose that ability. I just never thought it would be so hard to find once again.            

For now though….think I’ll visit that old friend of mine later today, then stop in and see mom and my sister. Priorities you know. And next weekend…well I’ve got five days off and I swear I’ll be on the water again – giving it another try.

Family, friends and prayer...
Give Mom a big hug and tell her how much she has meant to your life. (helps me)
Tell your friends how much their friendship has meant and enriched your life.
Tell your God how much his love has meant and fills your heart and makes everday on this earth possible....
Then tell yourself lifes tribulations are just a test of the soul and will all pass with time...
Then get on the water for the sound of the flowing waters help cleanse the soul of many of it's trials...
 

Prayer....it's what I do best... looking for answers and solutions and the strength - not for me but the others. When I make the rounds today, I'll be sure and tell them that there are many out there who care and are in their thoughts. You all are great......thanks so much.

steely, i wish i could talk to you face-to face, but this will have to do.  i have been there recently.  had a few tough years that aged me, made me feel downright empty and at a loss and also made me stronger.  those that are left, i have pulled closer to me and felt closer to them.  i went through long periods where i would load up the truck with gear only to get to the lake and sit, drinking coffee and thinking.  the rods never saw water, the decoys collected dust.  i, too, looked for answers, but none were to be had.  i reached with strength, to my faith and in it, i found peace.  my folks would tell me, as a young lad, that life was for the living.  you have to go on.  they knew, even as a youngster attending a funeral, that i had questions.  life goes on.  now they are gone, a lot of family is gone, the job is rotten these days, i have friends going through the same deadly chemo......and you know what, life goes on.  i have come to grips with my own mortality and recognize each day that i have with health as a gift.  i love my wife 1000 times more today than the day we got married, i enjoy all the things that i do with my daughter with the hopes of doing even more, and i cherish the sunrise and sunsets.  i go to the one-fly and o.c. and shenango, not to fish, but to be near people that i fell close to, to hear them talk, knowing they have had the same doubts and struggles that you and i have had.

times will get better, times will get bad again.  we endure, we mourn, and find a way to laugh again.  life is good, though bittersweet at times.  answers may not come in our time and we must accept that.

continue to head for the water and the woods.  take a rod, even though you may not use it.  it has other purposes, such as stirring memories.  look at the water, the trees and the sky.  they are gifts, special gifts.

i feel for you, empathize, with you and wish i had words.  they won't help.  your peace and your healing will come from within.  trust Him.  as others said, hug those close to you and let them know that you love them.

it will get better.......trust me.  when my time comes, i don't want anyone mourning me...................... life is for the living.

Some people cant rationalize in their minds how to go to Jesus with their struggles and storms in life. I can tell you from experience that He does in fact care and will take your hand to help you through. All you need to do is ask and He knows your heart He understands . Ya ever notice some of His closest friends were fishermen ?  I know another was a tax collector but well not go there...

That works too!

      As I sit here after returning from my visit with my dear friend (mother and sis weren't up for a visit today..that'll be tomorrow) and after reading the replies and pm's, I just cannot help but once again realizing that this site is so unique in that I can create a thread like this one and there will be so many "strangers" but friends out there who can offer such good advice. Mohawk, Glen, Rollcaster, Washdog and the others above - your words bring direction. And Mika - Crip's words....thanks for reminding me of it all.

This whole thing has made me realize something though. Basically it's "Who am I to even consider an escape?" I just spent an hour sitting on the porch of a man who loves life but is going through a very difficult time right now. Although the treatments are robbing him of all the basics of life, he still has the courage and energy to move on...to smile and laugh at the simple things. We talked about the time I fell in - the time he got hung in the tree branch along the small mt. stream. And we smiled about our memories. He cannot escape reality and that's all I wanted and tried hard to do. Self serving of me isn't it.

He told me to fish next weekend - to take pictures of the spot I fell in and of the water and the trees and with a smile - the fish. And he told me to bring those images back for him to look at and remember. And it was then that I realized that it's not about the escape - the forgetting. It's about facing it all and dealing with it. Not to be so consumed with myself and my own ease but instead it's about being there for others - making them smile and talking about all the good times. Because like he told me when I left - there are so many more of them - they far outnumber the bad.

All you guys are great...I mean that so much. And on the upcoming day in October when we all gather at Folley's.....well it'll be one happy day!!!!!!!!

Gotta get a rag now - the eyes are startin to sweat again.

I don't know you, but hang tough Steely. My prayers are with you.

Steely, when you were sitting with your rod across your lap, I know the Lord was so close to you, its not possible to explain or comprehend. But believe me, I've been there and once I made a commitment my life has never been the same. If the situation arises again, call out from your heart and He will answer. That is the truth. If you give Him a chance He will lift you and your loved ones up.It is that simple if you seek Him. It lays in your hands.

My prayers are with you and your family. A couple years ago I moved back to PA and quickly found myself dealing with things I had run from for a lot time.  Tough facing the demons. Then in the process my dad said he had 2-6 months to live. He made it 20 days.  Thats when I turned to God, my song writing and my undying love for all things outdoors.   I got back into fishing,  hiking, bird watching, looking for native wild orchids and being a volunteer naturalist again for organizations and parks.
 
One thing that has helped me a lot over the past few years is knowing that no amount of pain last forever.
 
Best wishes friend 

Steel--Last May I was diagnosed w/ cancer of my left nymph nodes and tonsils. I had them removed and went through 33 radiations and 3 chemos, a food tube and 6 months of hell. I had a clean PET scan and was back on my feet and feeling great, fishing ,hunting and livin' the good retired life.
Three weeks ago I had a 6 month follow-up PET scan,which discovered 2 new hot spots on my right side. They removed my lymph nodes and everything was clean-no cancer. Thank you, Jesus. A glitch on the screen, but given my history I had to have the operation.
What I'm tryin' to say is, the sun shines every morning, somewhere. Don't give up hope, things do get better. My Dad
called those periods the ugly part of life. Somehow with the help of your love of the woods and waters, you'll get through them. God Bless You, Brother.

Sorry to hear of your situation. I hope everything all works out for you and your family/friend. It is tough times.
 
When life starts to get a little heavy, I look toward my good friends... I am lucky to have a couple left that are like brick walls. I can tell them anything and it goes no further. Plus they'll give it to me straight if I ask for advice. Even when I don't.
 
Sometimes when I need an escape, believe it or not, I often look towards these forums. There are a ton of interesting people on here. Reading their comments/busting balls often is a stress breaker for me.  Plus as proven by the responses above, there are very caring people who can help with great advice and support.
 
Hang in there buddy, be strong. If you ever need to talk... you have a ton of people on here who will listen and help.

Great photos and an excellant post with many good responses, and I will add that you and yours will be in my thoughts and prayers

Really nice ppic's. Thanks for sharing and keep the faith.