Question: What's the best way to cook a cat? I was thinking of slow cooking one. PWEETA fully supports your right to eat cat (
felis domesticus), or any other game meat in the privacy of your own home. On a "libertarian" medium like the Internet, there is no end of sites dedicated to the construction of homemade bombs and weapons of mass destruction. However, a quick check on any search engine will uncover a striking lack of quality cat eating advice available in English.
The day may come, for whatever reason - rioting, pestilence, famine, or just plain curiosity - you will need to eat a cat. Your very survival may depend on this handy guide.
PREPARING YOUR CAT FOR CONSUMPTION Since cat meat isn't commercially available in the United States (and illegal to boot), you'll probably have to prepare cat yourself. If you live in the more enlightened domains of East Asia, and can purchase cat at the local market, you may want to skip this step and proceed to
COOKING YOUR CAT.
First, get a large cutting board and lay out your cat. Lop off the head, the tail and the feet with a sharp butcher's knife. These parts of the cat contain little usable meat, so toss them aside.
Next, make a longitudinal incision on the cat's abdomen. Reach your hand (wear gloves!) into the body cavity, and remove all of the internal organs. Discard them- especially the liver. It may look tasty, but the liver of a felis domesticus is frequently too toxic for human consumption.
SKINNING YOUR CAT There’s more than one way to skin a cat- our exhaustive research uncovered two. On this
site, two High School students meticulously guide you step-by-step through skinning a cat - complete with diagrams. To summarize, use a sharp knife to trim off the skin, and pull it back,
snipping away at the muscle tissue.
Gourmands like to skin their cats differently. They hate shun using a skining knife, calling it crude. They reccomend you grab the loose skin around the head stump, and using a pair of pliers, peel it back off the carcass like a banana, rolling it off the body. The final step before cooking is to wash the meat of stray gristle and hairs. Nobody likes cat hair in their food.
COOKING YOUR CAT Now you are ready to cook! One USENET account recommends placing a cat in a very high powered magnetron microwave. This device supposedly can cook a cat in approximately 10 minutes- the proteins are denatured (cooked), and sugars caramelized by microwave heating. The cat may be "cooked" but will it taste good? If you've ever tried to microwave a raw hamburger, you'll know the answer is "no." For the best taste, our reader inquired about possibly slow cooking a feline. That's exactly what we at PWEETA recommend- a slow cooked Beer Roasted Cat. Other cat recipes you may enjoy are classic Cat Tamales, Cat in Spicy Ginger Sauce, and Cat Au Gratin.
BEER ROASTED CAT
1 cat cut into roast
1 can of Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup
1 cube of beef bouillon
1 clove of garlic
1 Fine Irish Stout, a lot like a popular dark Irish Beer®, but NOT that brand at their lawyers' request. They alledge this article, educating others in the legal eating habits of over 100 million people world-wide, and specifically in rising East Asian markets, is "highly offensive."
Cover and soak cat roast in salt water for 24 hours. Drain water and then cover and soak in beer for 6 hours. Drain and place in crock pot with your cans of soup. Add a clove of garlic, and a cube of beef bouillon. If you start to slow cook your cat in the morning with your George Foreman Cooker (or it's ilk), you'll have finely cooked feline in time for supper.
If a slow cooker is not available, a cat can be baked at 350 degrees for 2-3 hours in a conventional oven and still come out pretty good. Beer Roasted Cat is fantastic served with mashed potatoes, collard greens, and fresh, homemade egg rolls. When planning a full meal just remember- cat is a course best served hot!
Cat may not be the most glamorous, or tastiest of game meats, but with a little thought and preparation, Baked Cat can make the belly of the persnicketiest diner glow with home baked goodness.
CAT COOKIN' RESOURCES NEW LINK!
ROYALTY-FREE CAT EATING PHOTOS Need some clip art to spice up your company newsletter? Animal's Voice offer up tons of Royalty-Free cat and dog eating clip art. Save some for me!
COOKING A (CAT) TAMALE:
Someone once cross-posted How to Cook a Cat to alt.tasteless and alt.pets.cat. The fallout from that debacle is used in all the official user documentation of how NOT to cross-post. I couldn't find a copy of said document, but this was posted on alt.ascii-art and seems to incorporate part of it. We got some fine preparation suggestions from it.
DEAD LINKS, (BUT ENTERTAINING AND TRUE COPY) LET'S COOK OUR CAT Remember the Twilight Zone episode where they translate the alien book, To Serve Man and find out it is a cookbook as the people of Earth take off in the Alien's spaceship? In a stunning reversal of metaphor, Let's Cook FOR Our Cat turned out
not to be a simple way to prepare your feline for consumption, but a way to cook gourmet food FOR your cat. This is a silly and expensive way to fatten a cat - use cheap dried food like big meat packers do.
HOW TO SKIN A CAT: Two High School chicks from Berkley show you how to skin a cat in preparation for dissection- or even cooking. Then they go on to pull out its insides and marvel at its genitalia in the name of "science". Pictures and videos included.
STARVING ANGOLANS EAT CATS People eat cats and dogs in the central Angolan city of Huambo, where food supplies have all but disappeared. 300,000 people have flocked to the city, Angola's second largest, to flee fighting in the region between the government and rebel forces.
CAT FEASTS An estimated 200 Beijing families report their cats stolen a month. Mostly, the missing kitties are sold to wholesale markets for about $3 each. To eat.
DELICIOUS TIGERS Story of "Wildlife Parks" in China where people watch Tigers battle livestock and eat them. Then the people eat the Tigers. Remember, tigers are a big form of cat.
KOREA: THE SADISTIC COUNTRY "Korea is to cats & dogs what Hitler was to Jews! Cat soup is the preferred way to eat cat meat !" WARNING: NOT eating cat leads to hyperbole!
The Koreans call their favorite cat dish "Goyangi-tan" - or "Liquid Cat." Fire up the blender - sounds tasty.