jokes

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bigbear2010
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2012/04/20 10:12:41 (permalink)

jokes

ok
we needed, something, anything but the spam on this board...so
let hear some jokes
#1

6 Replies Related Threads

    Pachuckles
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    RE: jokes 2012/04/24 17:38:29 (permalink)
    A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore
    she kept staring at him.
    She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

    He answered, "That's okay."

    "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

    She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

    The little old lady waved and smiled back at him..

    Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

    "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk..

    "How come so much? I only bought 5 items."

    The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

    Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker.
    Don't trust Little Old Ladies!!!

    #2
    BIG WAGS
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    RE: jokes 2012/04/25 22:21:15 (permalink)
    I was in line at at mac machine today.
    There was a man front of me.
    He looked like a dead ringer for terrorist.
    He had no arms and only one leg.
    He asked,"Could you help me check my balance?"
    I said "Sure."
    So I pushed him over!
    #3
    BIG WAGS
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    RE: jokes 2012/04/26 21:46:37 (permalink)
    The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper

    A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper Angelo has cheated him out
    of $10,000,000.

    His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

    It was assumed that Angelo would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.

    When the Godfather goes to confront Angelo about his missing $10 million,he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

    The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

    The lawyer, using sign language, asks Angelo, Where's the money?

    Angelo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

    The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

    The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Angelo's head and says, "Ask him again and if he gives the wrong answer I'll kill him!"

    The lawyer signs to Angelo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

    Angelo trembles and signs, "OK! OK! The money is in a brown briefcase,buried behind the shed at my brother Joe's house.

    The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

    #4
    Pachuckles
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    RE: jokes 2012/04/27 20:31:12 (permalink)
    Babys first Dr. visit

    A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.


    'Breast-fed, ' she replied..


    'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.


    She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.


    Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ' No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk. '


    ‘I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,
    But I'm glad I came.’

    You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
    #5
    BIG WAGS
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    RE: jokes 2012/04/29 23:05:29 (permalink)
    RETIRED/BORED HUSBAND

    After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

    Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

    Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

    Dear Mrs. Harris,

    Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

    1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

    2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

    3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

    5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway

    6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

    7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

    8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

    9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

    10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

    11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

    12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.

    13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

    14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a
    fetal position and screamed 'OHNO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

    15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where the fitting room was?

    And last, but not least:

    16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

    One of the clerks passed out.

    #6
    bigbear2010
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    Re: RE: jokes 2012/06/04 14:41:48 (permalink)
    not mine- copied, but still funny
    My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
    She asked, 'What's on TV?'
    I said, 'Dust.'
    And that's when the fight started

    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in
    bed.
    I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
    "No," she answered.
    I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes.."
    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
    That's when the fight started

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

    I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

    My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

    That's when the fight started.

    I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Molson Canadian for$22.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
    That's when the fight started.



    ***************

    An old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside.

    "Guido, I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome plated .38 Revolver so you will always remember me."

    "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex Watch instead?"

    "You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna DA business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple-a bambinos "

    "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.

    "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"

    ****************

    A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

    After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

    MALE PROCEDURE:

    1. Drive up to the cash machine.
    2. Put down your car window.
    3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
    4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
    5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
    6. Put window up.
    7. Drive off.

    FEMALE PROCEDURE:

    1. Drive up to cash machine.
    2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
    3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
    4. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
    5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up .
    6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
    7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
    8. Insert card.
    9. Re-insert card the right way.
    10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
    11. Enter PIN.
    12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
    13. Enter amount of cash required.
    14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
    15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
    16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
    17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
    18. Re-check makeup.
    19. Drive forward 2 feet.
    20. Reverse back to cash machine.
    21. Retrieve card.
    22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
    23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
    24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
    25. Redial person on cell phone.
    26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
    27. Release Parking Brake.


    ****************

    A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement.

    They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

    The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.

    The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

    The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.

    The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked"

    ******************
    After a long night of making love this guy rolls over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on the nightstand by the bed. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly", she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That was me before the surgery."
    #7
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