RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny

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pghmarty -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (6/10/2008 6:47:36 PM)
More New Words For 2008 1. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Opressive Mortgage. 2. 404: Someone who is clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning that the requested document or Web site cannot be located. 3.GOING FOR A McSHIT: Entering a fast-food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the restroom. If challenged by a staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwords is know as a "McShit with Lies". 4. SWAMP DONKEY: A deeply unattractive person. 5. MONKEY BATH: A bath so hot that, when lowering yourself in, you go, "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!" 6. MYSTERY BUS: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when come back in. 7. BEER COAT: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a pub crawl at 3 a.m. 8. BEER COMPASS: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a pub crawl, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got there, and where you've come from. 9. PICASSO BUTT: A woman who panties are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

pghmarty -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (6/14/2008 11:53:36 AM)
Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin'?" Bob's wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's in my bowling league." When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. Bob's wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognize her," said Bob, "she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the first nine, honey." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi, Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries to desperately explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four-letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez, Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time." *Bob's funeral is on Tuesday.*

pghmarty -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (6/16/2008 12:42:46 PM)
Words of Wisdom 1. The trouble with life is there's no background music. 2. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. 3. He who dies with the most toys is nontheless dead. 4. Procrastinate Now! 5. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive. 6. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Mikastorm -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (6/16/2008 7:51:09 PM)
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist > > complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked > how > long it took him to catch them. > > 'Not very long,' answered the Mexican. > > 'But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?' > asked > the American. > > The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to > > meet his needs and those of his family. > > The American asked, 'But what do you do with the rest of > your > time?' > > 'I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and > take a > siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my > friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I > have a > full life.' > > The American interrupted, 'I have an MBA from Harvard and I > can > help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then > sell > the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger > boat.' > > 'And after that?' asked the Mexican. > > 'With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can > buy a > second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of > trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then > negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your > own > plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, > Los > Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new > enterprise.' > > 'How long would that take?' asked the Mexican. > > 'Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years,' replied the American. > > 'And after that?' > > 'Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really > interesting,' answered the American, laughing. 'When your business gets > really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!' > > 'Millions? Really? And after that?' asked the Mexican. > > 'After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village > > near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, > take > a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying > your > friends.' > > And the moral of this story is: ......... Know where you're > going in life... you may already be there.

Mikastorm -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (6/17/2008 7:29:18 AM)
INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone.' He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! What is the moral of this story?????............................ OH, Come on... take a guess! Think about it... (You're going to love this!) And the moral is... You can't kill two birds with one stone!!

pghmarty -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (6/17/2008 3:22:27 PM)
[image]http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c20/pghmarty/fishusa/15.jpg[/image]

Mikastorm -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (6/17/2008 8:51:38 PM)
OOOOOOHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Mikastorm -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (6/18/2008 12:01:55 AM)
.ExternalClass .EC_hmmessage P {padding:0px;} .ExternalClass body.EC_hmmessage {font-size:10pt;font-family:Tahoma;} Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fainted when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in Church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come? Murphy said, I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn comes to Church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of Church. So, I was going to leave after communion and steal McGlynn's hat. The priest said, Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind? Murphy said, Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all. The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without the hat than burn in Hell, right? Murphy slowly shook his head and said, No, Father after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat.

pghmarty -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (6/18/2008 2:49:08 AM)
Tech Humor I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard , the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, to come over. Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" "It was an ID ten T error," he replied. I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that ... uh ... in case I need to fix it again?" Richard grinned ... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T ..... I used to like Richard.

Mikastorm -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (6/18/2008 8:20:14 AM)
[image]http://forums.fishusa.com/micons/m13.gif[/image]lol.

Mikastorm -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (6/21/2008 1:02:45 PM)
Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day...... There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer... He opens his mouth and says, 'I would like to buy a pair of Sunglasses.' If you got this wrong, please turn off your computer and call it a day. I've got mine shutting down right now. (You know you missed it too, so shut down your computer).

Mikastorm -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (6/22/2008 11:09:10 PM)
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

Mikastorm -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (6/25/2008 8:47:06 AM)
1. A day without sunshine is like night. 2. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets The cheese in the trap. 9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. 10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand. 14. OK, so what's the speed of dark? 15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice? 20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name? 21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?' 22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off. 23. Light travels faster than sound.. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . . . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

pghmarty -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (6/27/2008 10:41:17 AM)
Why Men Are Happier People, Part 2 Eating Out: When the bill arrives, even though it's only for $32.50, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. Automobiles: A man can identify any American-made vehicle as to year, make and model going back to the early 1900s. This also applies to Lambourghinis, Porches, Ferraris, Jaguars and Maseratis. A woman can tell you that the current car she drive has either 4 doors or 2. Success: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. Dressing Up: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book or go get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals, but still wear his boots. Marriage: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

Mikastorm -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (6/27/2008 12:26:06 PM)
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!' So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?' The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!'

Mikastorm -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (6/27/2008 1:36:38 PM)
A Woodcutter and his buddy heard they were hiring in the big city and decided to go check it out. Finding a big building with a big sign out front which said "Employment Office", they went in and got in line with everyone else waiting to be interviewed. After a while, the Woodcutter's buddy gets called first to be interviewed. Shortly, he's back all excited. He says "Man! I just got a job that pays Fifty Thousand a year!" Then the Woodcutter gets called in for his interview, but he gets told there's no jobs in the city that require the talents of a simple Woodcutter. In disbelief, the Woodcutter says " But you just gave my buddy a job that pays Fifty Thousand Dollars a year." "My good man", said the interviewer, "he is filling a job of a Pilot." "That's fine', says the Woodcutter, " but someone has to cut it before he can pilot".

pghmarty -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (6/27/2008 3:50:09 PM)
quote: I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!' How Rude! [:D]

Mikastorm -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (6/27/2008 9:42:35 PM)
LOL! Electile Dysfunction : the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for president put forth by either party in the 2008 election year.

jackq -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (6/28/2008 10:09:22 PM)
In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States , and said: Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans. He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights. Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. Noah! He roared, I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ? Forgive me, Lord, begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looke d up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?' ? 'No,' said the Lord. 'The government beat me to it.

pghmarty -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (6/28/2008 11:28:42 PM)
Neighborhood Watch "Hello, is this the police?" "Yes it is. How can we help you?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor, Guru. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!" "Thank you very much for the call." The next day, police officers descend on Guru's house in great numbers. They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine. They swear at Guru and leave. The phone rings at Guru's house. "Hey, GOO, did the cops come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop up your firewood for ya?" "Yep." "Happy Birthday!!!"

pghmarty -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (6/30/2008 5:18:00 PM)
Making An Impression The young couple was hosting their first dinner party when their four-year-old son started staring at his dad's boss. The boss tried to ignore the boy, but finally had to ask, "What's wrong, son? Why are you staring at me?" The table went quiet. "I just want to see you do it," said the little boy. "Do what?" asked the boss. The boy replied, "I want to see how you drink like a fish!"

Mikastorm -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (7/2/2008 8:32:23 PM)
Beneath the photo from the REAGAN DIARIES is an actual quote that Reagan wrote about George 'W' in his diaries, recently edited by author Douglas Brinkley and published by Harper Collins 'A moment I've been dreading. George brought his ne'er-do-well son around this morning and asked me to find the kid a job. Not the political one who lives in Florida; the one who hangs around here all the time looking shiftless. This so-called kid is already almost 40 and has never had a real job. Maybe I'll call Kinsley over at The New Republic and see if they'll hire him as a contributing editor or something. That looks like easy work.' From the REAGAN DIARIES------entry dated May 17, 1986.

Mikastorm -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (7/2/2008 10:56:18 PM)
[sm=icon_lol.gif]

Mikastorm -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (7/3/2008 6:44:42 PM)
There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are four animals, a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe , and a Squirrel, who pass by. They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree. Who do you guess will win? Your answer will reflect your personality. So think carefully . . . Try and answer within 15 seconds ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Got your answer? Now scroll down to see the analysis. If your answer is: Lion = you're dull. Chimpanzee = you're a moron. Giraffe = you're a complete idiot. Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid. A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS. Obviously you're stressed and overworked. You should take some time off and relax! Try again next year

Mikastorm -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (7/5/2008 9:07:02 AM)
My five-year old students, are learning to read. Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, 'Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!' I took a deep breath, then asked...'What did you call it?' 'It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!' And so it does... ' A f r i c a n Elephant ' Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

Mikastorm -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (7/5/2008 9:31:25 AM)
Hot date in Alabama A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says To the pharmact: "I got a hot date tonight, an' I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a' them rubbers Gonna cost me?" The pharmacist responds: "A Three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax." "TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a' Mighty, don't they stay on by themselves?

pghmarty -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (7/5/2008 9:39:22 AM)
That is worse than dating a girl with braces[:(]

Mikastorm -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (7/5/2008 9:41:32 AM)
This is neat. I don't know how folks figure all this stuff out. 1. CLICK ON THE LINK (COFFEE MACHINE BELOW) 2. PUT THE COIN IN THE VENDING MACHINE 3. CHOOSE YOUR DRINK 4. CLICK ON THE CUP WHEN IT IS READY 5 CLICK ON 'OPEN' ENJOY! Don't forget to click on 'OPEN' !!! COFFEE MACHINE

pghmarty -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (7/6/2008 10:45:55 AM)
She Was Sooooo Dumb She tripped over a cordless phone. She tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order. She missed bus No. 44 so she took bus No. 22 twice. She thought she could not use her AM radio in the evening. At the bottom of an application where it says "sign here", she wrote: "Sagittarius." She thought Taco Bell was the Mexican phone company

Mikastorm -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (7/8/2008 11:07:10 AM)
STRESS I am not sure exactly how this works, but it is amazingly accurate. The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at the Mayo Clinic and later at Fletcher Medical Center in Burlington Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress will find many differences between the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds, the more stress that person is experiencing. Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may need to take a vacation. image001.jpg No Need to Reply, I'll be on Vacation Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out of it alive anyway.

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