RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny

RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny

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RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 6/10/2008 6:47:36 PM

pghmarty

Posts: 4251
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: online

More New Words For 2008

1. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Opressive Mortgage.

2. 404: Someone who is clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning that the requested document or Web site cannot be located.

3.GOING FOR A McSHIT: Entering a fast-food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the restroom. If challenged by a staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwords is know as a "McShit with Lies".

4. SWAMP DONKEY: A deeply unattractive person.

5. MONKEY BATH: A bath so hot that, when lowering yourself in, you go, "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!"

6. MYSTERY BUS: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when come back in.

7. BEER COAT: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a pub crawl at 3 a.m.

8. BEER COMPASS: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a pub crawl, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got there, and where you've come from.

9. PICASSO BUTT: A woman who panties are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

< Message edited by pghmarty -- 6/10/2008 6:48:22 PM >

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Post #: 211

RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 6/14/2008 11:53:36 AM

pghmarty

Posts: 4251
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: online

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin'?"
Bob's wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Bob. "He's in my bowling league."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
Bob's wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her," said Bob, "she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the first nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi, Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries to desperately explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four-letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez, Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."

Bob's funeral is on Tuesday.

< Message edited by pghmarty -- 6/14/2008 11:54:31 AM >

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Post #: 212

RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 6/16/2008 12:42:46 PM

pghmarty

Posts: 4251
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: online

Words of Wisdom

1. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

2. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

3. He who dies with the most toys is nontheless dead.

4. Procrastinate Now!

5. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

6. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

< Message edited by pghmarty -- 6/16/2008 12:43:19 PM >

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Post #: 213

RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 6/16/2008 7:51:09 PM

Mikastorm

Posts: 2540
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist
>
> complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked
> how
> long it took him to catch them.
>
> 'Not very long,' answered the Mexican.
>
> 'But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?'
> asked
> the American.
>
> The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to
>
> meet his needs and those of his family.
>
> The American asked, 'But what do you do with the rest of
> your
> time?'
>
> 'I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and
> take a
> siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my
> friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I
> have a
> full life.'
>
> The American interrupted, 'I have an MBA from Harvard and I
> can
> help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then
> sell
> the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger
> boat.'
>
> 'And after that?' asked the Mexican.
>
> 'With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can
> buy a
> second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of
> trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then
> negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your
> own
> plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City,
> Los
> Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new
> enterprise.'
>
> 'How long would that take?' asked the Mexican.
>
> 'Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years,' replied the American.
>
> 'And after that?'
>
> 'Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really
> interesting,' answered the American, laughing. 'When your business gets
> really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!'
>
> 'Millions? Really? And after that?' asked the Mexican.
>
> 'After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village
>
> near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish,
> take
> a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying
> your
> friends.'
>
> And the moral of this story is: ......... Know where you're
> going in life... you may already be there.

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Post #: 214

RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 6/17/2008 7:29:18 AM

Mikastorm

Posts: 2540
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given
name was 'Onestone.'

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,

'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good
morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he
made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next
day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a
woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love
to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the
next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird
wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?????............................

OH, Come on... take a guess!

Think about it...

(You're going to love this!)

And the moral is...

You can't kill two birds with one stone!!

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Post #: 215

RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 6/17/2008 3:22:27 PM

pghmarty

Posts: 4251
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: online

(in reply to Mikastorm)

Post #: 216

RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 6/17/2008 8:51:38 PM

Mikastorm

Posts: 2540
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

OOOOOOHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

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Post #: 217

RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 6/18/2008 12:01:55 AM

Mikastorm

Posts: 2540
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

.ExternalClass .EC_hmmessage P
{padding:0px;}
.ExternalClass body.EC_hmmessage
{font-size:10pt;font-family:Tahoma;}

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest
almost fainted when he saw him. Murphy had never been
seen in Church in his life.




After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said,
Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what
made ya come?




Murphy said, I got to be honest with you Father, a
while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really
love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like
me hat, and I knew that McGlynn comes to Church every
Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his
hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the
back of Church. So, I was going to leave after
communion and steal McGlynn's hat.





The priest said, Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't
steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?



Murphy said, Well, after I heard your sermon on the
10
Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal
McGlynn's hat after all.



The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, After
I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you
would rather do without the hat than burn in Hell,
right?




Murphy slowly shook his head and said, No, Father
after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit
Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat.

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Post #: 218

RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 6/18/2008 2:49:08 AM

pghmarty

Posts: 4251
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: online

Tech Humor
I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called Richard , the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, to come over.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

"It was an ID ten T error," he replied.
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that ... uh ... in case I need to fix it again?"

Richard grinned ... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T .....

I used to like Richard.

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Post #: 219

RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 6/18/2008 8:20:14 AM

Mikastorm

Posts: 2540
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

lol.

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Post #: 220

RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 6/21/2008 1:02:45 PM

Mikastorm

Posts: 2540
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you
decide how you should spend the rest of your day...... There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer... He opens his mouth and says, 'I would like to buy a pair of Sunglasses.' If you got this wrong, please turn off your computer and call it a day. I've got mine shutting down right now. (You know you missed it too, so shut down your computer).

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Post #: 221

RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 6/22/2008 11:09:10 PM

Mikastorm

Posts: 2540
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

One morning the husband returns after
several hours of fishing and decides to
take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake,
the wife decides to take
the boat out.. She motors out a short distance,
anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He
pulls up alongside the woman and
says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she
replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs
her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm
reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For
all I know you could start at any
moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual
assault,"
says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game
warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For
all I know you could start
at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

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Post #: 222

RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 6/25/2008 8:47:06 AM

Mikastorm

Posts: 2540
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets The cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound.. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . . . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

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Post #: 223

RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 6/27/2008 10:41:17 AM

pghmarty

Posts: 4251
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: online

Why Men Are Happier People, Part 2

Eating Out:
When the bill arrives, even though it's only for $32.50, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Automobiles:
A man can identify any American-made vehicle as to year, make and model going back to the early 1900s. This also applies to Lambourghinis, Porches, Ferraris, Jaguars and Maseratis.
A woman can tell you that the current car she drive has either 4 doors or 2.

Success:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Dressing Up:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book or go get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals, but still wear his boots.

Marriage:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

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Post #: 224

RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 6/27/2008 12:26:06 PM

Mikastorm

Posts: 2540
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

Three
women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When
they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven:
don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure
enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible
not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them,
the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St.
Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains
them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the
second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter,
who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He
chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first
woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not
wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY
careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without
stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the
most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long
eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy

woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for

all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you,

but I stepped on a duck!'

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Post #: 225

RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 6/27/2008 1:36:38 PM

Mikastorm

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Joined: 10/18/2006
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A Woodcutter and his buddy heard they were hiring in the big city and decided to go check it out. Finding a big building with a big sign out front which said "Employment Office", they went in and got in line with everyone else waiting to be interviewed. After a while, the Woodcutter's buddy gets called first to be interviewed. Shortly, he's back all excited. He says "Man! I just got a job that pays Fifty Thousand a year!" Then the Woodcutter gets called in for his interview, but he gets told there's no jobs in the city that require the talents of a simple Woodcutter. In disbelief, the Woodcutter says " But you just gave my buddy a job that pays Fifty Thousand Dollars a year." "My good man", said the interviewer, "he is filling a job of a Pilot."
"That's fine', says the Woodcutter, " but someone has to cut it before he can pilot".

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Post #: 226

RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 6/27/2008 3:50:09 PM

pghmarty

Posts: 4251
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: online

quote:

I don't know about you,

but I stepped on a duck!'

How Rude!

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Post #: 227

RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 6/27/2008 9:42:35 PM

Mikastorm

Posts: 2540
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

LOL!
Electile Dysfunction : the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for president put forth by either party in the 2008 election year.

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Post #: 228

RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 6/28/2008 10:09:22 PM

jackq

Posts: 155
Joined: 3/31/2008
From: Altoona/Newville, PA.
Status: offline

In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the
United States , and said:
Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see
the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good

humans.

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: You have 6 months to build the Ark
before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard
- but no Ark.

Noah! He roared, I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?
Forgive me, Lord, begged Noah, 'but things have changed.

I needed a building permit.

I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler
system.

My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by
building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations.
We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the
future costs of moving power lines
and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's
move to the sea.
I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear
nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local
trees in order to save the spotted owl.

I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save

the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel
and inhumane
to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted
an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission

on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of
most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire
only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying

to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to
finish this Ark.

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky.

Noah looke d up in wonder and asked,
'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

?

'No,' said the Lord.
'The government beat me to it.

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Post #: 229

RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 6/28/2008 11:28:42 PM

pghmarty

Posts: 4251
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: online

Neighborhood Watch

"Hello, is this the police?"
"Yes it is. How can we help you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Guru. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call."
The next day, police officers descend on Guru's house in great numbers.
They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine.
They swear at Guru and leave.
The phone rings at Guru's house.
"Hey, GOO, did the cops come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop up your firewood for ya?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday!!!"

< Message edited by pghmarty -- 6/28/2008 11:31:14 PM >

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Post #: 230

RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 6/30/2008 5:18:00 PM

pghmarty

Posts: 4251
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: online

Making An Impression

The young couple was hosting their first dinner party when their four-year-old son started staring at his dad's boss.
The boss tried to ignore the boy, but finally had to ask, "What's wrong, son? Why are you staring at me?"
The table went quiet.
"I just want to see you do it," said the little boy.
"Do what?" asked the boss.
The boy replied, "I want to see how you drink like a fish!"

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Post #: 231

RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 7/2/2008 8:32:23 PM

Mikastorm

Posts: 2540
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

Beneath the photo from the REAGAN DIARIES is an actual quote that
Reagan wrote about George 'W' in his diaries, recently edited by author Douglas
Brinkley and published by Harper Collins

'A moment I've been dreading. George brought his ne'er-do-well son around
this morning and asked me to find the kid a job. Not the political one who
lives in Florida; the one who hangs around here all the time looking
shiftless. This so-called kid is already almost 40 and has never had a real
job. Maybe I'll call Kinsley over at The New Republic and see if they'll
hire him as a contributing editor or something. That looks like easy work.'

From the REAGAN DIARIES------entry dated May 17, 1986.

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