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RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny

 
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RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 1/3/2008 12:30:04 AM   
pghmarty


Posts: 3946
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: online 		A Pyramid Scheme Worth Trying

At last, a worthy pyramid scheme! Simply follow the instructions and e-mail the following to 9 of your friends.

INSTRUCTIONS

First, anesthetize your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton, (don't forget some ventilation holes),and send it to the person who is at the top of your list.
Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the mail.
Statistically, among those women, there will be at least:
-- 0.5 Miss Worlds,
-- 2.5 models,
-- 463 wild nymphos,
-- 3,234 good-looking nymphos,
-- 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms,
-- and 40,198 bi-sexual women.
In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you mailed off. And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.
DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER!!!
One Aussie bloke, for example, who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original girlfriend back, still in the old dressing gown in which he sent her off, with the same old migraine headache, and the accusatorial expression on her face.
On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter).
While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.
YOU MUST TRY THIS E-MAIL!!!
This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women) just so that you can bonk her. No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement.
What more could you ask for? Start the New Year off on the right track. Do not hesitate ... send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.

(in reply to DanesDad)
Post #: 151
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 1/4/2008 11:24:04 AM   
pghmarty


Posts: 3946
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: online 		Sports Announcers Strike Again!

Editor: Following are the top 10 comments made by sports commentators -- mostly British -- that they would like to take back, hehehe!

1. Weightlifting commentator at the women's Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up, and it was amazing!"
2. Ted Walsh, horse racing commentator: "This is really a lovely horse, and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Grand Prix Race announcer: "The lead care is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one front of the similar one in back."
4. Greg Norman, pro golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
5. Ringside boxing analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and evens some deaths in boxing -- but none of them really that serious."
6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
8. At a trophy ceremony, BBC TV boat rate 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."
9. Metro Radio, college football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
10. U.S. Open TV commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. ... Oh, my God, what have I just said?"

(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 152
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 1/7/2008 12:37:17 PM   
pghmarty


Posts: 3946
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: online 		Things I've Learned

1. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jack asses.
2. I've learned that you should never compare yourself to others -- they are more screwed up than you think.
3. I've learned that it is not what you wear, it is how you take it off.
4. I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
5. I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
6. I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
7. I've learned there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
8. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the butt are permanent.

(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 153
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 1/8/2008 7:41:00 AM   
griffon

 

Posts: 1064
Joined: 10/30/2003
Status: offline 		Two guys go hunting.  Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life.  When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.
   When he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream.  He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!"
   Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really tried!!  When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound.  When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep.  But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said - 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?', I couldn't keep quiet any more!"

(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 154
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 1/11/2008 12:21:50 AM   
Skip16503


Posts: 1784
Status: online 		One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut.  After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you.  I'm doing community service this week."  The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
 
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you.  I'm doing community service this week."  The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
 
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you.  I'm doing community service this week."  The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."
 
Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you  I'm doing community service this week" The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.  The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
 
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.

_____________________________






10 Fingers 10 Toes NO HOLES

Count on yourself only

(in reply to griffon)
Post #: 155
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 1/14/2008 12:45:19 AM   
pghmarty


Posts: 3946
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: online 		The Beautiful Redhead

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards him.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says, as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
He agrees.
They had a wonderful, wild time having hot, passionate sex, talking, having hot, passionate sex, talking some more, and having hot, passionate sex.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed! Everything had been sooo incredible!
"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No, " she replies. ..... "You just happened to catch my eye."

(in reply to Skip16503)
Post #: 156
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 1/15/2008 3:09:02 PM   
pghmarty


Posts: 3946
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: online 		A blonde in financial trouble decided to raise money by kidnapping a child.
She went to a park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree, and wrote this note: "I kidnapped your child. I'm sorry, but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the statue in the park by 7 a.m.. Signed, A Blonde."
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park, and found a brown bag behind the statue with $10,000 in it.
Inside the bag, beside the cash, was another note: "Here's your money. I can't believe that one blonde would do this to another!"

(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 157
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 1/21/2008 1:21:19 PM   
pghmarty


Posts: 3946
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: online 		The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors".
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable to the council either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Catatonics and High Colonics".
No go.
Next, they tried: "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives".
Thumbs down again.
Then came: "Minds and Behinds".
Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in: "Lost Souls and Butt Holes".
Unacceptable to the city council .. again!
So they tried: "Analysis and Anal Cysts".
Not a chance. Too graphic, said the coucil.
"Nuts and Butts?"
Definitely not.
"Freaks and Cheeks"?
Shot down again.
"Loons and Moons"?
Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Odds and Ends".
Everyone loved it.

(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 158
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 1/21/2008 3:53:06 PM   
pghmarty


Posts: 3946
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: online

Showing a little more skin:
http://s24.photobucket.com/albums/c20/pghmarty/fishusa/?action=view&current=ugly.jpg

(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 159
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 1/21/2008 7:23:39 PM   
pappy69


Posts: 318
Joined: 6/18/2006
Status: online 		OUCH!!!

_____________________________

Pappy

(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 160
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 1/21/2008 8:21:40 PM   
mossy oak


Posts: 875
Joined: 10/13/2003
Status: offline 		Marty,

That was just wrong.....

MO

_____________________________

It's better to have loved and lost than to have had to live with that bitch the rest of my life!!

(in reply to pappy69)
Post #: 161
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 1/22/2008 10:41:24 AM   
T.T.

 

Posts: 3044
Status: offline 		sMal duud

(in reply to mossy oak)
Post #: 162
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 1/22/2008 1:15:11 PM   
QuackerSmacker

 

Posts: 344
Joined: 8/10/2005
From: Connellsville
Status: offline 		Now thats funny right there, and scared me too!

(in reply to T.T.)
Post #: 163
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 1/23/2008 9:07:24 PM   
T.T.

 

Posts: 3044
Status: offline 		Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official,
'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars
and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the
damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then
calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, 
no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the
work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough
to think he could improve system like that.'


(in reply to QuackerSmacker)
Post #: 164
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 1/24/2008 3:38:19 AM   
MuskyMastr


Posts: 1567
Joined: 6/30/2005
From: The 1st Trench
Status: offline 		Because of his love for sports god comes to earth to watch a Penguins game......To further enjoy the experience he invites Peyton Manning, Ben Roethlisberger and Tom Brady to watch the game with him.   In order to decide who will sit next to him God asks each one a question. 

First Peyton, what do you believe.  Manning replies "I believe that hard work is its own reward, that we should strive for excellence so that we do not shortchange ourselves and that demonstrating good sportsmanship is the ultimate way to pay respect to an opponent"

God is impressed by Peyton's answer and asks him to take a seat on his left.

He then asks Roethlisberger what he believes.  Ben responds " I believe that competition is the ultimate thrill, that never giving up is the fastest way to accomplish your goals and that determination and dedication to the truly important facets of life are the keys to happieness".  God is so impressed by Ben's eloquence that he asks him to take a seat on his right side.

God then asks Tom Brady "Tom what do you believe?"

Brady's reply......."I believe you are in my seat."

_____________________________

All my heroes smell like fish.

(in reply to T.T.)
Post #: 165
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 1/24/2008 3:40:28 AM   
MuskyMastr


Posts: 1567
Joined: 6/30/2005
From: The 1st Trench
Status: offline 		What is the difference between a hot dog served at a Cleveland Browns game and one served at a Pittsburgh Steelers game?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
You can still get one in Pittsburgh in January.

_____________________________

All my heroes smell like fish.

(in reply to MuskyMastr)
Post #: 166
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 1/26/2008 3:16:32 AM   
nightowl207

 

Posts: 353
Status: offline 		http://i268.photobucket.com/albums/jj14/nightowl207/monkeyPoker.jpg
http://i268.photobucket.com/albums/jj14/nightowl207/cowass.jpg
http://i268.photobucket.com/albums/jj14/nightowl207/monkeyass.jpg


does this offend anyone? lol

< Message edited by nightowl207 -- 1/26/2008 3:17:58 AM >

(in reply to MuskyMastr)
Post #: 167
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 1/26/2008 10:29:39 PM   
pghmarty


Posts: 3946
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: online 		Mother-In-Law Joke

A couple went on safari in Africa, and her mother insisted on going along, too.
During their first night in camp, the wife awakened and decided to check on her mother. To her dismay, her mother's tent was empty.
The wife rushed back to her tent, got her husband, and they started searching for the missing woman.
When they found her, she was backed up against a huge boulder with a lion snarling right in front of her.

"Quick!" pleaded the wife to her husband. "Do something!"

"No way!" said her husband. "That lion got himself into this mess -- he can get himself out it!"

(in reply to nightowl207)
Post #: 168
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 1/27/2008 12:38:10 PM   
pghmarty


Posts: 3946
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: online

(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 169
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 2/2/2008 9:57:15 PM   
Meatball


Posts: 905
Joined: 3/6/2005
Status: offline 		Two stoned duuds are out in a boat fishing. They are catching one fish after another, a real honey hole. The one duud said to the other, "Duud, we have to mark this spot!" So, he pulls out a can of spray paint and proceeds to paint an "X" in the bottom of the boat. The other duud says, "You dumas. What if we don't get the same boat next time?"

(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 170
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 2/2/2008 10:08:49 PM   
pghmarty


Posts: 3946
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: online 		Guru n cowbOy are out in a boat fishing.
They are catching one fish after another, a real honey hole. 
Guru said to cowbOy, "Duud, we have to mark this spot!"
So, he pulls out a can of spray paint and proceeds to paint an "X" in the bottom of the boat.
CowbOy says, "You dumas. What if we don't get the same boat next time?"

(in reply to Meatball)
Post #: 171
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 2/2/2008 10:19:56 PM   
Meatball


Posts: 905
Joined: 3/6/2005
Status: offline 		Two blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would have seen it.

(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 172
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 2/2/2008 10:38:46 PM   
Liverache

 

Posts: 125
Joined: 8/16/2006
Status: offline








Math 1950-2006 (new version)

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents</ SPAN> from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I se nsed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s :

1.         Teaching Math In 1950

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2.         Teaching Math In 1960

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3.         Teaching Math In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80.  Did he make a profit?

4.         Teaching Math In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
 
5.         Teaching Math In 1990

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers. )

6.         Teaching Math In 2006

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80.









(in reply to DanesDad)
Post #: 173
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 2/6/2008 10:47:33 PM   
Meatball


Posts: 905
Joined: 3/6/2005
Status: offline 		A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He tells the crowd, "For 50 bucks he'll play any instrument you have. If he can't play it I'll pay YOU 50". So, a fellow strolls over with an electric guitar and the octopus grabs it and strums out a great tune. Sounded just like Hendrix. Fifty bucks in the guy's pocket. Another duud walks over with a saxaphone. The octopus grabs it and blows a tremendous blues tune. Another fifty in the guy's pocket. The bartender walks over with a set of bagpipes. He tells the guy' "duud, if he can play this I'll give you a hundred"

So the octopus looks at it, twists it, pulls it, yanks at it, fiddles with it. Ten minutes go by. Finally the guy say's, "Come on man, everybody is looking. Are you gonna play it or what?" The octopus replies, "Play it? If I can figure out how to take it's pajamas off I'm gonna F#@k it."

(in reply to Liverache)
Post #: 174
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 2/9/2008 11:23:21 AM   
pghmarty


Posts: 3946
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: online 		Murphy's Laws of Computing

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.


_____________________________

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness . . . it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair . . .
In short, the period was so far like the present period .

(in reply to Meatball)
Post #: 175
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 2/15/2008 12:15:48 AM   
DanesDad

 

Posts: 1676
Joined: 3/21/2005
Status: offline

(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 176
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 2/15/2008 12:17:24 AM   
DanesDad

 

Posts: 1676
Joined: 3/21/2005
Status: offline 		Number five just happened to me.

(in reply to DanesDad)
Post #: 177
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 3/2/2008 3:01:17 AM   
pghmarty


Posts: 3946
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: online 		Can't Get It Up
Mr. Thomas goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, ya gotta help me. I can't get it up for my wife any more. Do I need one of those erectile dysfunction pills or something?"
"Don't get ahead of yourself, Mr. Thomas," said the doctor calmly. "Come back tomorrow with your wife and I'll see what I can do."
The next day Mr. Thomas returned with his wife.
The doctor looked at the wife and said, "Mrs. Thomas, please take off all your clothes. Now turn around. Now the other way. Now lie down, please. Now roll over. I see. Okay, thank you. You may get dressed now."
The doctor took Mr. Thomas aside.
"Mr. Thomas, you're in perfect health. She doesn't do anything for me either!"

(in reply to DanesDad)
Post #: 178
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 3/2/2008 12:50:06 PM   
Over the Hill


Posts: 245
Joined: 3/28/2007
Status: offline

no 5 also..............
hell with it......won't stick when I paste it........................
 


< Message edited by Over the Hill -- 3/2/2008 12:53:12 PM >

(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 179
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 3/4/2008 12:45:01 PM   
pghmarty


Posts: 3946
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: online 		Life Begins At 50 Q & A

Q. Where can a 50-year-old woman find young sexy men who will be interested in her?
A. Try a bookstore …under fiction!

Q.What should a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A. Stay busy. Try finishing the basement. When you're done, you'll have a place to live.

Q.How can you increase your 50-year-old husband's heart rate?
A. Tell him you're pregnant!

Q. How can I avoid seeing wrinkles when I pass a mirror?
A. Take off your glasses!

Q. Why should 50-year-olds use valet parking?
A. Valets remember where they park your car!

Q. Do most 50-year-olds have problems with short term memory storage?