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RE: The Locker Room - 10/22/2007 1:47:45 PM   
pghmarty


Posts: 4253
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline 		God's E-mail

God looked down at the earth and wanted to know what kind of behavior was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not."
God was disappointed but thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time, too.
True enough, when the second angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true - the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."
God was not pleased, but he decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them to continue being good.
Do you know what that E-mail said?
No?
Neither do I; I didn't get one either ...hehehe!


(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 121
RE: The Locker Room - 10/22/2007 3:02:15 PM   
Porktown


Posts: 2295
Joined: 9/4/2001
Status: online 		I think I got a message from him.  Something about "3 girls in my area want to meet me for a good time"...  It was followed by "Are you embaressed by the size of your ".  Must have been one from the devi?


PghMarty - Got the trailer guides working now!  Only 3 months in doing so.  I bolted them to my running boards.  Not the thickest guage metal, but should be fine.

(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 122
RE: The Locker Room - 10/25/2007 10:18:25 PM   
pghmarty


Posts: 4253
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline 		That is where mine have been bolted for about 8 years
quote:

I bolted them to my running boards.





Grounds For Divorce?
A man was ready to plead his case before the divorce court judge.

The judge asked, "Why are you seeking a divorce?"

"Because I live in a two story house," the man answered.

"What kind of a reason is that?" asked the judge. "What's the big deal about a two-story house?"

The man replied, "Because one story is 'I have a headache!' and the other story is 'It's my time of the month!' "

< Message edited by pghmarty -- 10/25/2007 10:19:32 PM >

(in reply to Porktown)
Post #: 123
RE: The Locker Room - 10/26/2007 8:43:19 AM   
Porktown


Posts: 2295
Joined: 9/4/2001
Status: online 		What happened after 8 years...

(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 124
RE: The Locker Room - 10/26/2007 11:25:45 AM   
pghmarty


Posts: 4253
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline 		Still there with no problem on my Glastron's Shorelander trailer.

(in reply to Porktown)
Post #: 125
RE: The Locker Room - 10/26/2007 12:07:31 PM   
Porktown


Posts: 2295
Joined: 9/4/2001
Status: online 		Cool.  I'm going to give them a little workout this weekend.  Would imagine there is some extra flow to the rivers.  The marina that I am at took out it's docks too.  So will be a little more challenge than I am used to.

(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 126
RE: The Locker Room - 10/26/2007 12:21:38 PM   
pghmarty


Posts: 4253
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline 		I think Southside is still in.

(in reply to Porktown)
Post #: 127
RE: The Locker Room - 11/11/2007 12:44:15 PM   
pghmarty


Posts: 4253
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline 		Bad Humor More Essential New Words For The Workplace

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whining all the time.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for nicking free photocopies from one's workplace.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarified organizational layers that start just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" (meaning that the requested document could not be located).
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule moment in time when you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've just hit 'reply all').
WOOFies: Well Off Older Folk.
CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing through a CUBE FARM, then enjoying the ensuing sounds of dismay and disgust. Usually leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.

prairie dogging     
When you have to take a crap so bad that it feels as though the turd is moving in and out.



< Message edited by pghmarty -- 11/11/2007 12:46:47 PM >

(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 128
I dont care who you are, this is funny - 11/11/2007 6:54:12 PM   
mak7464


Posts: 203
Joined: 9/28/2005
From: South Pymatuning Township, PA
Status: offline 		An 85 year old man went to the Dr. for a Checkup.

The Dr. tells him he is in perfect health but says, “you need to take this jar home with you, I need a sperm sample.” The man says to the Dr. “I’m 85 years old how am I going to do tha.t” The Dr. goes on to explain to the man that he needs the sample to do some new prostate testing that has been developed, so the man agrees to bring back a sample in the jar the next morning.

In the morning, the man arrives at the Dr.’s office an places the jar on the desk. The Dr. looks at the man and says, “why are your bringing me back an empty jar.”

The 85 year old man goes onto explain:

“Dr., first I tried my right hand, then my left, then I tried both hands until I got tired.
Then I got my wife, she tried her right hand, then her left, then both, she even tried her mouth and when that didn’t work she even tried with her teeth out. Once she got tired she went over to get the neighbor lady so that she could try.”

The Dr. Exclaims “THE NEIGHBOR LADY!!!!”

And the man says “Yea, it didn’t matter what we did, we couldn’t get the lid off of that jar”

(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 129
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 11/12/2007 8:28:53 PM   
T.T.

 

Posts: 3044
Status: offline 		  Giving Clothes to Goodwill

It should make you feel all warm inside knowing that the clothes you previously wore are now gracing another grateful body!   Remember that cleaning out your closets at least once a year and giving former treasures to Goodwill (or charity of your choice) is a great way to give back to your community, and help those who are less fortunate.   Many people only think of doing this when the weather gets cold, and pass along the sweaters and coats they haven't worn for awhile. But, there's a tremendous need for summer weather attire as well.   So look through your closets, and see if you don't have something that doesn't fit, or might be a little out of fashion. Those things will probably fit someone else, and could be the height of fashion for them.   With that in mind, I send along this heart-warming photo to inspire you, and remind you that your efforts won't go unnoticed. 



.



.




.




.





.





.








< Message edited by T.T. -- 11/12/2007 8:29:28 PM >

(in reply to mak7464)
Post #: 130
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 11/30/2007 2:46:06 PM   
pghmarty


Posts: 4253
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline 		Bad Humor 2 Quickies

1. In Court

The judge read the charges, then asked, "Are you the defendant in this case?"
"No sir, your honor, sir," replied Bob, "I've got a lawyer to do the defendin'. I'm the person who done it."

2. Ordering A Meal For Delivery

A woman phoned an Indian restaurant and asked, "Do you deliver?"

The man on the phone replied, "No. We do chicken, lamb, beef, curry, tofu..."

(in reply to T.T.)
Post #: 131
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 11/30/2007 2:50:38 PM   
pghmarty


Posts: 4253
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline 		Just an assortment of one-line jokes...
  1. There are two types of pedestrians, the quick, and the dead.
  2. Why does bottled water have an expiration date?
  3. If you turn off your computer monitor, is the screen saver still working?
  4. A single fact can ruin a good argument everytime!
  5. No you can't call 911! I'm downloading my mail.
  6. Nothing is so smiple that it can't get screwed up.
  7. Veni, Vidi, Velcro. (I came, I saw, I stuck around.)
  8. 10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... (Bo Derek getting older)
  9. "Stressed" is just "desserts" backwards.
  10. Never run out of altitude, airspeed, & ideas at one time.
  11. Optimist: Yugo owner with a trailer hitch
  12. Is that seat saved? No, but we're praying for it.
  13. If Athletes get Athlete's foot, do Astronauts get a missile toe?
  14. Happiness: The result of being too busy to be miserable.
  15. Duct tape is like "The Force" - it has a dark side, a light side & it holds the universe together
  16. Boss spelled backwards is "double S.O.B."
  17. Deja moo: knowing you've heard that bull before.
  18. Change is inevitable.......except from a vending machine
  19. 2 wrongs dont make a right - but 3 lefts do!
  20. 70% of accidents occur at home; the rest in voting booths
  21. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
  22. 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
  23. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
  24. Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
  25. ..Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
  26. A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
  27. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
  28. I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
  29. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
  30. I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
  31. Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
  32. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
  33. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
  34. There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
  35. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
  36. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  37. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
  38. I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
  39. Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
  40. If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
  41. Diplomacy is the art of telling someone to go to hell and making them look forward to the trip.
  42. Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
  43. Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
  44. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
  45. If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
  46. If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
  47. Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
  48. It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
  49. Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
  50. Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
  51. Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
  52. Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
  53. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
  54. Do witches run spell checkers?
  55. Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
  56. Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
  57. Dain bramaged.
  58. Department of Redundancy Department
  59. Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
  60. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
  61. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
  62. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
  63. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
  64. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
  65. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
  66. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
  67. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
  68. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
  69. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
  70. <-------- The information went data way -------->
  71. Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
  72. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
  73. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
  74. The name is Baud......, James Baud.
  75. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
  76. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
  77. C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
  78. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
  79. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
  80. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
  81. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
  82. Backups? We don' <EM>NEED</EM> no steenking backups.
  83. E Pluribus Modem
  84. .. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
  85. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
  86. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
  87. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
  88. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
  89. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
  90. A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
  91. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
  92. 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
  93. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
  94. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
  95. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
  96. Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
  97. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
  98. RAM disk is <EM>not</EM> an installation procedure.
  99. Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
  100. All computers wait at the same speed.
  101. DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
  102. Press -- to continue ...
  103. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
  104. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
  105. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
  106. E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
  107. Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
  108. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
  109. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
  110. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
  111. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
  112. Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
  113. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
  114. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
  115. Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
  116. REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)
  117. Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"
  118. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
  119. Read my chips: No new upgrades!
  120. Hit any user to continue.
  121. 2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!
  122. I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
  123. Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
  124. Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
  125. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup
  126. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
  127. (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
  128. (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
  129. If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
  130. Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
  131. Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
  132. Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand."
  133. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
  134. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
  135. The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
    The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
    The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
    The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
  136. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
  137. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
  138. The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
  139. Half of the people in the world are below average.
  140. There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
  141. I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is getting better.
  142. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
  143. Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
  144. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
  145. On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"
  146. Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
    1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
    2. Advising the President.
    3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
    -- David Letterman
  147. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain
  148. Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?
  149. Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea): For best results: Wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron. For not so good results: Drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on roofrack.
  150. The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad. -- Salvador Dali
  151. The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them. -- William Clayton
  152. When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned: Do not have sex with the authorities

(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 132
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 12/1/2007 9:42:07 PM   
steelydaze


Posts: 455
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline 		To whoever thought there children were scared for life by da chirstmas thread  

(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 133
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 12/1/2007 11:00:20 PM   
steelydaze


Posts: 455
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline 		"You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a coksuker from Guatemala." George Carlin

"I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio." Rodney Dangerfield


(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 134
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 12/1/2007 11:43:23 PM   
youngguru

 

Posts: 1002
Joined: 4/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: T.T.

Giving Clothes to Goodwill

It should make you feel all warm inside knowing that the clothes you previously wore are now gracing another grateful body!   Remember that cleaning out your closets at least once a year and giving former treasures to Goodwill (or charity of your choice) is a great way to give back to your community, and help those who are less fortunate.   Many people only think of doing this when the weather gets cold, and pass along the sweaters and coats they haven't worn for awhile. But, there's a tremendous need for summer weather attire as well.   So look through your closets, and see if you don't have something that doesn't fit, or might be a little out of fashion. Those things will probably fit someone else, and could be the height of fashion for them.   With that in mind, I send along this heart-warming photo to inspire you, and remind you that your efforts won't go unnoticed. 



.



.




.




.





.





.









wered yu gett the pituR of diKberg scotty/

(in reply to T.T.)
Post #: 135
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 12/2/2007 6:07:33 PM   
pghmarty


Posts: 4253
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline 		Bad Humor Life Begins At 50!

Q. Where can a 50-year-old woman find a young man who will be interest in her?
A. Try a book store ... under fiction!

Q. What should a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A. Stay busy. Try finishing the basement. When you're done, you'll have a place to live.

Q. How can you increase your 50-year-old husband's heart rate?
A. Tell him you're pregnant!

Q. Why should 50-year-olds use valet parking?
A. Valets remember where they parked your car!

(in reply to youngguru)
Post #: 136
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 12/3/2007 3:16:33 PM   
pghmarty


Posts: 4253
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline 		English Is A Crazy Language

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French Fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted but, if we explore its paradoxes, we find that.... quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds & ends and get rid of all but one of them,what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables what does a humanitarian eat?


< Message edited by pghmarty -- 12/3/2007 3:17:54 PM >

(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 137
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 12/13/2007 8:23:15 PM   
pghmarty


Posts: 4253
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline 		Football Humor, U.S. Style

Three football fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road.

They stopped and discovered an unconscious, nude woman.
Out of respect and propriety, the Pittsburgh fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast.

The Buffalo fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast.
Following their lead, the Cleveland fan took off his cap and placed over her nether region.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his investigation.

First, he lifted up the Pittsburgh cap, looked, replaced it and wrote down a few notes.

Next, he lifted up the Dolphins cap, looked, replaced it and wrote down some more notes.

Then he lifted up the Buffalo cap, looked, replaced it, scratched his head, lifted it again and looked, replaced it, thought for a minute then lifted it again, looked and finally replaced it before writing down some notes.

The Cleveland fan was getting a little upset and asked, "What are you, a pervert or something!

Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"

"Well," said the officer, "I'm simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Cleveland cap I find an ***hole."

< Message edited by pghmarty -- 12/13/2007 8:52:03 PM >

_____________________________


(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 138
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 12/13/2007 8:41:25 PM   
steelydaze


Posts: 455
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline 		Lmao!

(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 139
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 12/13/2007 10:23:36 PM   
flirod4evr

 

Posts: 187
Joined: 9/27/2007
Status: offline
New Rules! 



Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:

Special High Intensity Training (****). We take pride in the amount of **** our employees receive. We have given our employees more **** than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough **** on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the **** you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

(in reply to steelydaze)
Post #: 140
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 12/13/2007 10:26:39 PM   
flirod4evr

 

Posts: 187
Joined: 9/27/2007
Status: offline


A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing.

He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

"Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

"Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly...
"My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!"

(in reply to flirod4evr)
Post #: 141
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 12/14/2007 11:14:37 AM   
pghmarty


Posts: 4253
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline 		1. Dreams (or Dead Man Walking)

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for my birthday. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

2. What Does A Kiss Taste Like?

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students.
She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"
"No, I don't," said the little boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out, Bobby! It's a piece of a**!"

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(in reply to flirod4evr)
Post #: 142
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 12/19/2007 11:22:15 AM   
pghmarty


Posts: 4253
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline 		Bad Humor Word Play!

1. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.).
2. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
3. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
4. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
5. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
6. The midget fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
7. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
8. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
9. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
10. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 143
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 12/20/2007 10:12:34 PM   
pghmarty


Posts: 4253
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline 		A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,

walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.

That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!

You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 144
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 12/20/2007 11:19:18 PM   
Mikastorm


Posts: 2545
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline 		LOL!

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(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 145
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 12/22/2007 10:29:08 AM   
T.T.

 

Posts: 3044
Status: offline 		HER DIARY: > > > Tonight:  I thought my husband was acting weird.  We had made plans to > Meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day > long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but > He made no comment on it.  Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested > That we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.  He agreed, but he didn't > Say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing."  I asked him > If it was my fault that he was upset.  He said he wasn't upset, that it > had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.  On the way home, > I > told him that I loved him.  He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I > can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love > you, > too."  When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if > he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and > watched TV.  He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with > silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, > he came to bed.  To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made > love.  But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were > somewhere else.  He fell asleep -  I cried. I don't know what to do. > I'm > almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. > > My life is a disaster. > > > HIS DIARY: > > > Missed a big deer today, but at least I got laid.

(in reply to Mikastorm)
Post #: 146
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 12/22/2007 11:09:01 AM   
T.T.

 

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Status: offline 		  




(in reply to T.T.)
Post #: 147
RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 12/22/2007 12:48:56 PM   
pghmarty


Posts: 4253
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline