RE: The Locker Room

RE: The Locker Room (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Pennsylvania Boards] >> Off Topic Discussions - Pennsylvania

Message

T.T. -> RE: The Locker Room (8/20/2007 10:35:40 PM)
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. So he asks the biker his name."Fred," he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred," the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical, school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD." "After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS." "Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, theADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD." "Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am just Fred." The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

pghmarty -> RE: The Locker Room (8/24/2007 2:10:00 PM)
Lobster Tales The seafood restaurant's sign read, "Big Lobster Tales, $5." Amazed at the great value, a customer asked the waitress, "Five bucks for lobster tails? Is that correct?" "Yep," she said. "It's today's special." He remained skeptical. "Are they little?" "No," she replied, "they're big." "$5 each? Are they old?" "No. Fresh today." "Wow! Great! Here's my five bucks." She took his money, led him to a table, sat him down, leaned over close and began, "Once upon a time, there was a really big red lobster..."

pghmarty -> RE: The Locker Room (9/3/2007 1:19:08 AM)
[image]http://www.insanityplanet.com/Pictures%20Site/Eyechart.gif[/image]

pghmarty -> RE: The Locker Room (9/3/2007 1:26:56 AM)
*Warning not for youngins or prudes:* Naked Chicks:http://www.insanityplanet.com/Pictures%20Site/nakedchicks.jpg

davef -> RE: The Locker Room (9/3/2007 5:24:31 AM)
I had thought this photo would be a great way to start the day. Good one, you got me.

Moose Head -> RE: The Locker Room (9/4/2007 9:30:24 PM)
One day Jimmy Jones was walking down the main street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pick-up truck. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin. "Bubba, where'd you git that truck"? "Tammie gave it to me" Bubba replied "She gave it to ya" his friend asked. " I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck" ? "Well Jimmy Jones let me tells you what happened, we wuz drivin out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere's. Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in four wheeled drive and headed into the woods, she then parked the truck got out, threw off all her clothes and said, Bubba take whatever you want. "So's I took the truck". "Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit ya".

carpin06 -> RE: The Locker Room (9/4/2007 11:36:37 PM)
MAN IF I HAD KNOWED THAT I WONT HAVE A RASH FROM THEM DARN SHORT'S!!!!

bubba-jet -> RE: The Locker Room (9/5/2007 2:07:39 AM)
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me." Confused, the father asked what was wrong. The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for." A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Other Latin American countries are sending supplies. The European community (except France) is sending food and money. The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

pghmarty -> RE: The Locker Room (9/24/2007 2:19:03 PM)
Flies A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies," he responded. "Oh! Killed any?" she asked. "Yep, three males and two females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?" "Three were on a beer can; two were on the phone," he responded. [image]http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c20/pghmarty/fishusa/4.jpg[/image]

Mikastorm -> RE: The Locker Room (9/25/2007 12:30:44 AM)
Now thats funny[image]http://forums.fishusa.com/micons/m9.gif[/image]!

Skip16503 -> RE: The Locker Room (9/25/2007 11:25:17 AM)
Proof That the World Is Nuts In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. Glad to see they have their priorities straight. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. Do they look different reversed? Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. A brick? The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. All of a sudden "going blind" doesn't seem so bad. There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time; Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this? In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam! In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. Ah! Justice! Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. But of course! In Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. Makes one Shudder at the thought. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. Who volunteers for this stuff? Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. Is that why Flipper was always smiling? The ant can lift 50 time s its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. From drinking little bottles of what? Did the government pay for this research? Butterflies taste with their feet. Ah, geez. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. I know some people like that. Starfish don't have brains. I know some people like that, too. And, the best for last - Turtles can breathe through their butts. And you thought you had bad breath in the morning!

Toad -> RE: The Locker Room (9/25/2007 1:09:48 PM)
Here's one for you guys. What a buck and doe combination. If you can't see the buck, wait a few minutes and concentrate on the left side of the photo (B&C 184 5/8 for anyone who cares). Marrs Bowman, 28, single, lives in San Antonio and owns the Bowman Ranch. All 8000 acres, located 15 miles east of Carrizo Springs. Again, the buck is on the left side. [image]http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o127/Toadly13/MarrsBowman.jpg[/image]

griffon -> RE: The Locker Room (9/26/2007 7:14:27 AM)
nice rack... I wonder how much that would cost to mount.

T.T. -> RE: The Locker Room (9/26/2007 9:10:44 PM)
No offense, but you ain't got enough. Neither do I. Funny thing about the folks on this site... all I've got going through my head right now is: wer'd yoo gEt thit wOtch/? lEt mee no, oK//

DanesDad -> RE: The Locker Room (9/26/2007 9:35:47 PM)
I usually pay no more than 300 dollars for my mounts, but in this case, due to the exceptional quality of the specimen, I might make an exception.

Mikastorm -> RE: The Locker Room (9/26/2007 10:22:26 PM)
A Steelers Story A Cleveland family of football supporters head out one Saturday to do their Christmas Shopping. While in the sports store, the son picks up a Pittsburgh Steelers jersey and says to his older sister, 'I've decided to become a Steelers fan and I would like this for Christmas.' His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him on the head and says, 'Go talk with Mom.' Off goes the little lad with the Pittsburgh Steelers jersey in hand and finds his mother. 'Mom?' 'Yes, son?' 'I've decided I'm going to be a Pittsburgh Steelers fan, and I would like this jersey for Christmas.' The mother is outraged, promptly whacks him on the head and says, 'Go see your father.' Off he goes with the Pittsburgh Steelers jersey in hand and finds his father. 'Dad?' 'Yes, son?' 'I've decided I'm going to be a Pittsburgh Steelers fan, and I would like this jersey for Christmas'. The father is so outraged he, too, whacks his son on the head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!' About half hour later they're all back in the car heading towards home. The father turns to the son and says, 'Son, I hope you've learned something today?' The son says, 'Yes, Dad, I have.' 'Good, son. What is it?' The son replies, 'I've only been a Pittsburgh Steelers fan for an hour and I already hate you Cleveland bastards.'

Skip16503 -> RE: The Locker Room (9/27/2007 2:41:06 PM)
A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an 10-pound bass on the first cast and a 12-pounder on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 13 pounds when his cell phone rang. It was the doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water. He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 5 bass over 10 pounds each. He was jubilant. Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take!" For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver forever!" The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. She's dead. What'd you catch?"

QuackerSmacker -> RE: The Locker Room (9/27/2007 4:46:01 PM)
That is funny, wrong but funny.

pghmarty -> RE: The Locker Room (9/28/2007 3:05:52 PM)
[image]http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c20/pghmarty/fishusa/thasdvar.jpg[/image] [image]http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c20/pghmarty/fishusa/cartoon67qw.jpg[/image][image]http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c20/pghmarty/fishusa/bigwomanforphoto.jpg[/image]

crappiefisher -> RE: The Locker Room (9/28/2007 7:56:18 PM)
i nO ThAT/ WAts eh gae mexakan?

pghmarty -> RE: The Locker Room (10/3/2007 12:01:15 AM)
quote: WAts eh gae mexakan? bEan packer [sm=bandit.gif]

pghmarty -> RE: The Locker Room (10/3/2007 12:03:04 AM)
Planting The Tomatoes: An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad. A few days later, he received a letter from his son. Dear Dad, Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES. Love, Vinnie. At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Vinnie.

aranbp -> RE: The Locker Room (10/3/2007 8:23:51 AM)
O. J. Talks to the Devil...... One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart- attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. "No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented OJ. The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I.. I can handle this." The devil smiled and said . . . . . . "OK, Monica, you're free to go

Skip16503 -> RE: The Locker Room (10/8/2007 1:40:05 PM)
[image]http://forums.fishusa.com/upfiles.aspx/4118/348BCABE11FF416EB9F23D718A6F3F4B.jpg[/image]

Mikastorm -> RE: The Locker Room (10/15/2007 8:46:56 PM)
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Mikastorm -> RE: The Locker Room (10/15/2007 8:48:36 PM)
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Gen ie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. Clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supp ly of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Mikastorm -> RE: The Locker Room (10/15/2007 8:51:06 PM)
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Mikastorm -> RE: The Locker Room (10/15/2007 9:02:59 PM)
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." & nbsp; So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Mikastorm -> RE: The Locker Room (10/15/2007 9:04:02 PM)
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who **s on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep *, it's best to keep your mouth shut! THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE*

pghmarty -> RE: The Locker Room (10/16/2007 12:12:33 AM)
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" the man asks. "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, the vet says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?" exclaims the man. "Because he's cross-eyed?" "No," says the vet, "because he's really heavy." 2. Q. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A. A fsh. 3. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so one of them must be Chinese. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

Page: << < prev 2 3 [4] 5 6 next > >>

0.188