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RE: The Locker Room - 10/29/2009 4:28:42 PM   
pghmarty


Posts: 5338
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: online
A Scary Halloween Story

A cabbie picks up a nun.
She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

"My dear son, you cannot offend me," the nun answers. "When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I  have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to kiss and make out with a nun," says the cabbie.
"Well, let's see if you qualify," said the nun. "First, you have to be single, and second, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."

The cabbie does and the nun fulfills his fantasy; but when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a costume party

(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 451
RE: The Locker Room - 10/30/2009 1:40:19 PM   
pghmarty


Posts: 5338
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: online
1. The Trucker

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Erie.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop!"
The Madam is astonished. "But, sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.

The trucker replies, "I'm not horny . . . . I'm homesick."

2. It's Tougher For Women

When a new boss starts, single women have it rougher than men.
One secretary told another,
"The new boss has had his eye on me all week.
I don't know whether to act interested or busy!"

(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 452
RE: The Locker Room - 11/2/2009 4:36:48 PM   
Liverache


Posts: 397
Joined: 8/16/2006
Status: online

A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a
sheepdog were with him. After looking around, he realized that they
were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two
animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One
evening, the sky was red , the breeze was warm - a perfect night for romance..

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
lonely man. Soon, he put his arm around it. But the dog, ever
protective of the sheep, growled until the man stopped.

One day there was another shipwreck. The only survivor (as luck would
have it) was Nancy Pelosi, 'the ****."

That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual.
Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' so leaned over
to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could
do for him.

He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'







_____________________________

Skill is the ability to place oneself in the position to be LUCKY often

(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 453
RE: The Locker Room - 11/6/2009 6:39:09 AM   
Mikastorm


Posts: 3884
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline


How I learned to mind my own business 

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were outside shouting, '13...13...13.' 

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a 
Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on...

Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick! 

Then they all started shouting '14...14...14'...


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(in reply to Liverache)
Post #: 454
RE: The Locker Room - 11/6/2009 9:31:19 AM   
MeTaLaNgLeR


Posts: 142
Joined: 5/7/2009
From: Elizabeth
Status: offline
Good One Mikastorm

_____________________________

I use that size for bait.....

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Post #: 455
RE: The Locker Room - 11/6/2009 7:33:40 PM   
Mikastorm


Posts: 3884
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

Old  Fart Football
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the  old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His  wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie score.'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,  'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not  to be outdone the wife rips out another one and  says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,  'Field goal,  I lead 17 to 14.'
Now the pressure is on the old man.   He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable,he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally craps in the bed.  
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

_____________________________


(in reply to MeTaLaNgLeR)
Post #: 456
RE: The Locker Room - 11/17/2009 4:16:56 PM   
Liverache


Posts: 397
Joined: 8/16/2006
Status: online
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of
Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.


So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom...

'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted....'I'll do the **** dishes!!!'












--------------------------------------------------------------------------------





_____________________________

Skill is the ability to place oneself in the position to be LUCKY often

(in reply to Mikastorm)
Post #: 457
RE: The Locker Room - 11/17/2009 5:53:20 PM   
anadromous

 

Posts: 3055
Joined: 11/16/2006
Status: offline
Mike...that was great, I love it.
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mikastorm



How I learned to mind my own business 

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were outside shouting, '13...13...13.' 

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a 
Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on...

Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick! 

Then they all started shouting '14...14...14'...



(in reply to Mikastorm)
Post #: 458
RE: The Locker Room - 11/20/2009 2:48:19 AM   
pghmarty


Posts: 5338
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: online
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish................................49.

Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone.

Athletic...............................No breasts.

Average looking....................Moooo.

Beautiful..............................Pathological liar.

Emotionally Secure..............On medication.

Feminist..............................Fat.

Free spirit............................Junkie.

Friendship first......................Former slut.

New-Age..............................Body hair in the wrong places.

Old-fashioned.......................No B*s.

Open-minded.......................Desperate.

Outgoing..............................Loud and Embarrassing.

Professional.........................Bi***.

Voluptuous..........................Very Fat.

Large frame.........................Hugely Fat.

Wants Soul mate.................Stalker.


< Message edited by pghmarty -- 11/20/2009 2:49:47 AM >

(in reply to anadromous)
Post #: 459
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