RE: The Locker Room

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RE: The Locker Room - 10/29/2009 4:28:42 PM

pghmarty

Posts: 5693
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline

A Scary Halloween Story

A cabbie picks up a nun.
She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

"My dear son, you cannot offend me," the nun answers. "When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to kiss and make out with a nun," says the cabbie.
"Well, let's see if you qualify," said the nun. "First, you have to be single, and second, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."

The cabbie does and the nun fulfills his fantasy; but when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a costume party

(in reply to pghmarty)

Post #: 451

RE: The Locker Room - 10/30/2009 1:40:19 PM

pghmarty

Posts: 5693
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline

1. The Trucker

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Erie.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop!"
The Madam is astonished. "But, sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.

The trucker replies, "I'm not horny . . . . I'm homesick."

2. It's Tougher For Women

When a new boss starts, single women have it rougher than men.
One secretary told another,
"The new boss has had his eye on me all week.
I don't know whether to act interested or busy!"

(in reply to pghmarty)

Post #: 452

RE: The Locker Room - 11/2/2009 4:36:48 PM

Liverache

Posts: 494
Joined: 8/16/2006
Status: offline

A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a
sheepdog were with him. After looking around, he realized that they
were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two
animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One
evening, the sky was red , the breeze was warm - a perfect night for romance..

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
lonely man. Soon, he put his arm around it. But the dog, ever
protective of the sheep, growled until the man stopped.

One day there was another shipwreck. The only survivor (as luck would
have it) was Nancy Pelosi, 'the ****."

That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual.
Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' so leaned over
to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could
do for him.

He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

_____________________________

Skill is the ability to place oneself in the position to be LUCKY often

(in reply to pghmarty)

Post #: 453

RE: The Locker Room - 11/6/2009 6:39:09 AM

Mikastorm

Posts: 4324
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

How I learned to mind my own business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were outside shouting, '13...13...13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on...

Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14...14...14'...

_____________________________

(in reply to Liverache)

Post #: 454

RE: The Locker Room - 11/6/2009 9:31:19 AM

MeTaLaNgLeR

Posts: 199
Joined: 5/7/2009
From: Elizabeth
Status: offline

Good One Mikastorm

(in reply to Mikastorm)

Post #: 455

RE: The Locker Room - 11/6/2009 7:33:40 PM

Mikastorm

Posts: 4324
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

Old Fart Football
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie score.'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.'
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable,he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally craps in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

_____________________________

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Post #: 456

RE: The Locker Room - 11/17/2009 4:16:56 PM

Liverache

Posts: 494
Joined: 8/16/2006
Status: offline

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of
Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom...

'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted....'I'll do the **** dishes!!!'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_____________________________

Skill is the ability to place oneself in the position to be LUCKY often

(in reply to Mikastorm)

Post #: 457

RE: The Locker Room - 11/17/2009 5:53:20 PM

anadromous

Posts: 3393
Joined: 11/16/2006
Status: offline

Mike...that was great, I love it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mikastorm

How I learned to mind my own business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were outside shouting, '13...13...13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on...

Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14...14...14'...

(in reply to Mikastorm)

Post #: 458

RE: The Locker Room - 11/20/2009 2:48:19 AM

pghmarty

Posts: 5693
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish................................49.

Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone.

Athletic...............................No breasts.

Average looking....................Moooo.

Beautiful..............................Pathological liar.

Emotionally Secure..............On medication.

Feminist..............................Fat.

Free spirit............................Junkie.

Friendship first......................Former slut.

New-Age..............................Body hair in the wrong places.

Old-fashioned.......................No B*s.

Open-minded.......................Desperate.

Outgoing..............................Loud and Embarrassing.

Professional.........................Bi***.

Voluptuous..........................Very Fat.

Large frame.........................Hugely Fat.

Wants Soul mate.................Stalker.

< Message edited by pghmarty -- 11/20/2009 2:49:47 AM >

(in reply to anadromous)

Post #: 459

RE: The Locker Room - 12/10/2009 2:11:14 PM

Over the Hill

Posts: 1600
Joined: 3/28/2007
Status: offline

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this
true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in
Austin , Texas after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar
so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the
officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he
tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his
car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the
bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a
fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of
times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then
remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons'
vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled
out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started
up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man
over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man
had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me
to the police station.

This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'

'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight I'm the
designated decoy..'

_____________________________

OVER THE HILL

Some people are like slinky's; not really good for anything, but, they bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs...

(in reply to pghmarty)

Post #: 460

RE: The Locker Room - 12/22/2009 12:15:33 AM

pghmarty

Posts: 5693
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline

VIRUS WARNING
There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.
This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest pub.
Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE).
The quickest acting WINE type is called Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-All-Zones (SHIRAZ) but this is only available for those who can afford it.
The next best equivalent is Cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK).
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
Forward this warning to 5 friends.
If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
This virus is DEADLY(Destroys-Every-Available-Decent-Living-Youngster).
Update 12-22-09:
After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.

(in reply to Over the Hill)

Post #: 461

RE: The Locker Room - 12/27/2009 1:13:54 PM

pghmarty

Posts: 5693
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline

A Question for Terrorists
I'm curious.
If you're going to put explosives in your underwear,
what are you going to do with your 23 virgins when you get to paradise?

(in reply to pghmarty)

Post #: 462

RE: The Locker Room - 12/27/2009 6:01:03 PM

mr.crappie

Posts: 1076
Joined: 9/5/2002
Status: offline

Good thing that you didn't try that with 1 of those holes that used to be in the walls of the rest stops on 79. lol sam

(in reply to Mikastorm)

Post #: 463

RE: The Locker Room - 12/29/2009 11:12:29 PM

pghmarty

Posts: 5693
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline

Gone Fishing

Last Saturday morning Bob got up early, put on his long johns and dressed quietly.
He made a lunch, grabbed the dog and went to the garage to hook up the boat to the truck and down the driveway he went.
Backing out of the garage he discovered rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour.
There is snow mixed in with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, Bob pulled back into the garage.
He came back into the house and turned the TV to the weather channel.
He found it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he put the boat back in the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.
There, Bob cuddled up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."

To which his wife sleepily replied,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

(in reply to mr.crappie)

Post #: 464

RE: The Locker Room - 1/5/2010 10:04:22 AM

Mikastorm

Posts: 4324
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

It was the perfect day for a little fishing, but after a while I ran out of bait.

Then a few feet up the shore I saw a snake with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are very good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

After thinking about it for awhile, I had an idea: I grabbed my bottle of whiskey (hey, don't laugh: it's the best part of fishing!) and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

Sure enough, his eyes rolled back, he went limp, and I released him without incident. I carried on my fishing with the frog. Caught a big bass, too!

A couple hours later I felt something brush my leg. I looked down and there was that same snake looking up at me.
He had two frogs in his mouth.

_____________________________

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Post #: 465

RE: The Locker Room - 1/5/2010 1:35:57 PM

rippinlip

Posts: 1003
Joined: 9/18/2002
Status: online

_____________________________

You should have been here yesterday.............. Streams are made for the wise man to contemplate and fools to pass by [Sir Izaak Walton]

(in reply to Mikastorm)

Post #: 466

RE: The Locker Room - 1/7/2010 3:57:51 PM

pghmarty

Posts: 5693
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline

Things You Won't See In Hallmark Cards

1. Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it ...
She moved in with me!

2. I've always wanted someone to hold,
Someone to love, someone who's mine.
Now that I've met you ...
I've changed my mind.

3. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

(in reply to rippinlip)

Post #: 467

RE: The Locker Room - 1/7/2010 4:47:29 PM

Cold

Posts: 4390
Joined: 3/27/2008
From: Latrobe, PA
Status: offline

quote:

1. Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it ...
She moved in with me!

The guy with the woman in his house needs the sympathy card.

_____________________________

Mountian Man/Von Teese 2012

(in reply to pghmarty)

Post #: 468

RE: The Locker Room - 1/7/2010 11:01:10 PM

Mikastorm

Posts: 4324
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

Click on the word 'POPCORN' below and watch.

POPCORN

_____________________________

(in reply to Cold)

Post #: 469

RE: The Locker Room - 1/9/2010 2:04:35 PM

Over the Hill

Posts: 1600
Joined: 3/28/2007
Status: offline

Nooner

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get

enough lovin'.

In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love.

When Homer came back from the fields, they made love.

And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel home

and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.

Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.

"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the field with you

and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air.

That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you.

Then you won't lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day,

when Homer came back to the doctor's office.

"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"

"Oh, it worked real good," said Homer.

"Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off ashot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'.

We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home agin."

"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.

"Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin'season started."

_____________________________

OVER THE HILL

Some people are like slinky's; not really good for anything, but, they bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs...

(in reply to Mikastorm)

Post #: 470

RE: The Locker Room - 1/13/2010 1:43:21 AM

Liverache

Posts: 494
Joined: 8/16/2006
Status: offline

sorry bad file

< Message edited by Liverache -- 1/13/2010 1:46:15 AM >

_____________________________

Skill is the ability to place oneself in the position to be LUCKY often

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Post #: 471

RE: The Locker Room - 1/13/2010 11:00:33 AM

pghmarty

Posts: 5693
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline

The Bedtime Question

A husband and wife were sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks:
"What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
"Definitely not!" her husband replies.
"Why not? Don't you like being married?"
"Of course I do," says the husband.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?" asks his wife.
"Okay, okay, I'd get married again," the husband admits.
"You would?" the wife says with a hurt look.
The husband groans.
"Would you live in our house?" his wife asks.
"Sure, it's a great house," he replies.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" his wife persists.
"Where else would we sleep," the husband says.
"Would you let her drive my car?"
"Probably, it's almost new," he replies.
"Would you replace my pictures with hers?" the wife asks.
"That would seem like the proper thing to do," he answers.
"Would you give her my jewelry?"
"No. I'm sure shed' want her own," he replies.
"Would she use my golf clubs?" his wife asks.
"No, she's left-handed."

Wife: silence...

Husband: "~!@#"

(in reply to Liverache)

Post #: 472

RE: The Locker Room - 1/13/2010 7:08:19 PM

Mikastorm

Posts: 4324
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

Click here ----> http://www.flixxy.com/bear-animal-nature-film.htm

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Post #: 473

RE: The Locker Room - 1/14/2010 8:56:24 AM

pghmarty

Posts: 5693
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline

Mathematical Proof

Step 1. To find a woman you need Time and Money, therefore:
Woman = Time x Money

Step 2. "Time is money", so:
Time = Money

Step 3. Therefore:
Woman = Money x Money, or Woman = (Money)2

Step 4. "Money is the root of all problems."
Money = Problems

Step 5. Therefore:
Woman = Problems

(in reply to Mikastorm)

Post #: 474

RE: The Locker Room - 1/17/2010 11:22:28 AM

pghmarty

Posts: 5693
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline

Senior Sex

An 81-year-old man at the retirement home finally worked up courage to ask an 80-year-old woman out on a date.
They watched "The Sound of Music" on tape in the home's rec room, and had a delightful dinner in the home's cafeteria.
After dinner, he asked if they could sip some Metamucil in her room and, after a while, they slipped into her bed for a romp.
After their lovemaking, he laid back in the bed and thought, "If only I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more gentle."
She laid back and thought,
"If only I had thought he was up to it, I would have taken off my pantyhose."

(in reply to pghmarty)

Post #: 475

RE: The Locker Room - 1/18/2010 11:54:18 AM

pghmarty

Posts: 5693
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline

More Words To Live By

1. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
2. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
3. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
4. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
5. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
6. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear very bright ... until they speak.
7. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
9. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
10. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
11. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
12. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
13. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. Unless, of course, you really enjoyed the first evil when you tried it,

(in reply to pghmarty)

Post #: 476

RE: The Locker Room - 1/19/2010 9:47:12 AM

Mikastorm

Posts: 4324
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

Song

_____________________________

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Post #: 477

RE: The Locker Room - 1/20/2010 12:10:23 AM

pghmarty

Posts: 5693
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline

Pick-Up Line

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said,
"Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place,in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me.
I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,

"No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

(in reply to Mikastorm)

Post #: 478

RE: The Locker Room - 1/20/2010 3:08:22 PM

mr.crappie

Posts: 1076
Joined: 9/5/2002
Status: offline

Very nice,but I believe it is a fake,especialy if that big bear is a boar as it looks like when it stands up.Usualy it would kill & eat a young bear if it has a chance from what I have always read. sam

(in reply to Mikastorm)

Post #: 479

RE: The Locker Room - 1/22/2010 9:54:07 AM

razmatazz05

Posts: 1527
Joined: 11/17/2006
From: 412
Status: offline

CLEVELAND ROCKS:
Woman kills boyfriend by sitting on him

Couple start arguing
Woman sits on man, squashes him to death
"I just want to say I'm sincerely sorry"
A WOMAN weighing 136kg has pleaded guilty to killing her much smaller boyfriend - by sitting on him.
Police in Cleveland said Mia Landingham and Mikal Middleston-Bey, who have three children together, got into an argument in August.
During the altercation Landingham sat on Middleston-Bey, who weighed 54.4kg.
Landingham was sentenced to three years probation and 100 hours community service on Wednesday after pleading guilty to involuntary manslaughter, Fox8 reported.
She was immediately released from jail.
Her attorney told said there was a long history of domestic abuse in the relationship. He asked Judge Carolyn Friedland for leniency and pointed out she has no prior criminal record.
Landingham she was sorry for squashing the father of her children.
"I just want to say that I am sincerely sorry about this situation. I wish I could take it back,” she said.
During Landingham's sentencing, her boyfriend's family spoke of the pain she has caused their family.
"I just want to let you know how much you have hurt us by taking Mikal away from us," said Sharon Phillips, the victim's step-mother.
While Middleton-Bey's family hoped Landingham would eventually be able to take part in her children's lives, they were surprised that she got no additional jail time.
"So basically you can say that I can go sit on somebody and get probation?" said one of the victim's sisters.
"I feel there wasn't no justice."
Landingham faced a maximum of five years behind bars

_____________________________

I'd rather snag a thousand flies in trees than go to work today.

http://razgonefishing.blogspot.com/

(in reply to mr.crappie)

Post #: 480

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