RE: The Locker Room

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RE: The Locker Room - 9/10/2009 2:52:13 PM

Cold

Posts: 3985
Joined: 3/27/2008
From: Latrobe, PA
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(in reply to cooljauman)

Post #: 421

RE: The Locker Room - 9/17/2009 6:23:45 PM

pghmarty

Posts: 5338
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline

Mistranslations

The following are from actual signs found in hotels and other venues in countries where English is not the main language.

1. In another Japanese hotel room: "Please to bathe inside the tub."

2. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: "The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."

3.In a Yugoslavian hotel: "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid."

4. In a Zurich hotel: "Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose."

5. In a Paris hotel elevator: "Please leave your values at the front desk."

6. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: "To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order."

7. In a Bangkok temple: "It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man."

8. In a Rome laundry: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."

9. On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: "To stop the drip, turn **** to right."

10. In a Japanese hotel: "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."

(in reply to Cold)

Post #: 422

RE: The Locker Room - 9/17/2009 7:56:45 PM

cooljauman

Posts: 607
Joined: 8/6/2008
From: Baltimore, MD
Status: offline

_____________________________

If the world needed and enema, they'd put the tube in Philadelphia. Go Pens!

Evgeni Malkin: I'M SCOЯƎ

(in reply to pghmarty)

Post #: 423

RE: The Locker Room - 9/17/2009 7:57:36 PM

pensfan1

Posts: 681
Joined: 1/13/2004
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A guy walks in the house and asks his wife,"What would you do if I hit the lotto?"

She replies,"Heck, I'd take half and leave your ass!"

The man exclaims,"Hot ****! I won $12, here's $6, now GET THE F%*K OUT!"

_____________________________

Stanley Cup Champions

(in reply to pghmarty)

Post #: 424

RE: The Locker Room - 9/19/2009 10:49:11 PM

Over the Hill

Posts: 1298
Joined: 3/28/2007
Status: offline

guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart. His wife wakes up and asks, "What in the world was that?"

He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing."

She thinks to herself, "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.

He yells at her, "What was that?"

She replies "Touchdown, tie score."

Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he sh**s in bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

He replied, "Half time, switch sides."

_____________________________

OVER THE HILL

Some people are like slinky's; not really good for anything, but, they bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs...

(in reply to pensfan1)

Post #: 425

RE: The Locker Room - 9/21/2009 4:47:00 AM

pghmarty

Posts: 5338
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline

The Dinner Party

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly, he agreed.
He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, wouldn't it be great if she would just come down and talk to me...but he went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden, he looked up and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking and she invited him back to her place, just down the beach.
They were at her apartment and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy that he was exhausted afterwords and passed out there.
At seven o'clock the next morning, he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no! My wife's dinner party!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.
He ran down the beach, all the way to his condo. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all the way down the stairs!
Just then the door opened, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he'd been all this time.
He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!"

(in reply to Over the Hill)

Post #: 426

RE: The Locker Room - 9/21/2009 10:52:50 AM

pensfan1

Posts: 681
Joined: 1/13/2004
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Whats the difference between guts and ballz?

Guts is havin ur wife waitin up for u with the broom. Ur late, drunk as a skunk and got lipstick on ur shirt. You walk in the house, see her with the broom and you ask why shes cleaning so late?

Ballz is the same scene but you strut in, smack her on the ass and tell her she's next!

_____________________________

Stanley Cup Champions

(in reply to pghmarty)

Post #: 427

RE: The Locker Room - 9/21/2009 2:13:45 PM

Cold

Posts: 3985
Joined: 3/27/2008
From: Latrobe, PA
Status: offline

DEMOCRAT

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION

You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

_____________________________

no

(in reply to pensfan1)

Post #: 428

RE: The Locker Room - 9/25/2009 3:37:22 PM

cooljauman

Posts: 607
Joined: 8/6/2008
From: Baltimore, MD
Status: offline

_____________________________

If the world needed and enema, they'd put the tube in Philadelphia. Go Pens!

Evgeni Malkin: I'M SCOЯƎ

(in reply to Cold)

Post #: 429

RE: The Locker Room - 9/25/2009 3:42:21 PM

cooljauman

Posts: 607
Joined: 8/6/2008
From: Baltimore, MD
Status: offline

_____________________________

If the world needed and enema, they'd put the tube in Philadelphia. Go Pens!

Evgeni Malkin: I'M SCOЯƎ

(in reply to cooljauman)

Post #: 430

RE: The Locker Room - 9/25/2009 3:49:44 PM

cooljauman

Posts: 607
Joined: 8/6/2008
From: Baltimore, MD
Status: offline

_____________________________

If the world needed and enema, they'd put the tube in Philadelphia. Go Pens!

Evgeni Malkin: I'M SCOЯƎ

(in reply to cooljauman)

Post #: 431

RE: The Locker Room - 9/27/2009 9:44:13 PM

pghmarty

Posts: 5338
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline

Lingerie Shopping

A man walked into the Woman's Department of Macy's in New York City and told the saleslady, "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked? "What kind of bra?"
"A Baptist Bra," he repeated.
"She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist Bra, and that you would know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember" said the saleslady.
"We don't get as many requests for them as we used to.
Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type."
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked,
"So, what are the differences?"
"It is all really quite simple," replied the sales lady.
"The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts up the fallen,
and the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused on that information for a minute, then asked
"So, what is the Baptist type for?"
"They", she replied, "make mountains out of molehills."

(in reply to cooljauman)

Post #: 432

RE: The Locker Room - 9/29/2009 7:49:49 AM

bassin101

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Joined: 8/27/2008
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http://media.mtvnservices.com/mgid:cms:mvideo:cmt.com:40319

(in reply to pghmarty)

Post #: 433

RE: The Locker Room - 9/29/2009 2:30:57 PM

pghmarty

Posts: 5338
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock..

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word
'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'

(in reply to bassin101)

Post #: 434

RE: The Locker Room - 9/29/2009 3:32:34 PM

Liverache

Posts: 397
Joined: 8/16/2006
Status: offline

guy walks into a bar wearing a Browns jersey and carrying a cat that also has a Browns jersey on with a little Browns helmet on his head, too.

The guy says to the bartender, "Can me and my cat watch the Browns game here? My TV is broke and my cat and I always watch the game together."

The bartender replies, "Normally, cats wouldn't be allowed in the bar, but it's not very busy in here right now, so you and the cat can have a seat at the end of the bar. But, if there's any trouble with you or the cat, I'll have to ask you to leave."

The guy agrees, and he and his cat start watching the game.

Pretty soon the Browns kick a field goal and the excited cat jumps up on the bar and walks down the bar and gives everyone a high five.

The bartender says, "Hey, that's pretty cool! What does he do for a touchdown?"

The guys answers, "I don't know, I've only had him for 3 years."

_____________________________

Skill is the ability to place oneself in the position to be LUCKY often

(in reply to pghmarty)

Post #: 435

RE: The Locker Room - 9/30/2009 11:53:30 PM

pghmarty

Posts: 5338
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline

1. The Rookie

A young man decided to join the police force.
As a recruit he was asked during the exam,
"What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

"Call for backup," he answered.
He made the force.

2. Military Humor

The commanding general had a female major for his adjutant.
Because of this, whenever he had to respond to a call of nature instead of telling her he was off to the latrine he would say, "I'm off to inspect the barracks."
One day, the general comes out of his office and says to the major, "I'm off to inspect the barracks."
The major nodded knowingly but, when the general returned, she noticed he had left his fly open.
Thinking quickly, she said, "Excuse me, general, but you left the barracks door open on that last inspection."
The general looks down and, slightly embarrassed, zips up his fly and goes into his office.
Two minutes later, he comes back out and says to his adjutant, "Pardon me, major, but when you looked into that open barracks door did you happen to handsome recruit standing at attention."
"No, sir," the major replied.
"All I saw was a tired, old career officer passed out on a pair of half empty duffel bags."

(in reply to Liverache)

Post #: 436

RE: The Locker Room - 10/2/2009 6:41:38 PM

Mikastorm

Posts: 3884
Joined: 10/18/2006
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_____________________________

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Post #: 437

RE: The Locker Room - 10/5/2009 8:00:19 AM

bassin101

Posts: 51
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline

Tool Definitions

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, ****!"

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle ... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit usually smashing the thumb that is holding the object that you are trying to pound into whatever it is that you are working on effectively eliminating the need for manicure care on that thumbnail for weeks. See: Son of a b*tch TOOL

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a b*tch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, "Son of a b*tch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

(in reply to Mikastorm)

Post #: 438

RE: The Locker Room - 10/8/2009 2:33:15 PM

pghmarty

Posts: 5338
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline

1. Ain't It The Truth!

"Sally," asked Linda one day, "what would you do if you caught another woman fooling around with your husband?"
"With George?" Sally thought it over.
"Let's see; I'd break her cane, shoot her guide dog, and call a cab to take her back to the institution she escaped from."

2. The Birthday Party

An eye-doctor was having his 40-year birthday and had gathered lots of friends and family in his house. His wife had made him a surprise cake and led her husband blindfolded to a table where the cake was placed.
Eagerly, the doctor removed the blindfold and looked down on the cake and immediately burst into crazed laughter, for there in front of him was a huge cake, with 40 marzipan eyes.
Surprised, the guests asked him why he laughed. After some minutes of laughing and wiping his eyes, the doctor finally said, "I'm just thinking of my buddy who will be 50 next week.
He's a gynecologist."

(in reply to bassin101)

Post #: 439

RE: The Locker Room - 10/9/2009 1:34:04 PM

jon_e_si

Posts: 743
Joined: 5/4/2006
Status: offline

[b] Miss Beatrice, The church organist,
Was in her eighties And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness And kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned With tea and scones, They began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'

(in reply to pghmarty)

Post #: 440

RE: The Locker Room - 10/10/2009 1:03:14 AM

Over the Hill

Posts: 1298
Joined: 3/28/2007
Status: offline

This should be sent only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it...

1979: Long hair
2009: Longing for hair

1979: KEG
2009: EKG

1979 : Acid rock
2009: Acid reflux

1979: Moving to California because it's cool
2009: Moving to Arizona because it's warm

1979: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2009: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1979: Seeds and stems
2009: Roughage

1979: Hoping for a BMW
2009: Hoping for a BM

1979: Going to a new, hip joint
2009: Receiving a new hip joint

1979: Rolling Stones
2009: Kidney Stones

1979: Screw the system
2009: Upgrade the system

1979: Disco
2009: Costco

1979: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2009: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1979: Passing the drivers' test
2009: Passing the vision test

1979: Whatever
2009: Depends

_____________________________

OVER THE HILL

Some people are like slinky's; not really good for anything, but, they bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs...

(in reply to jon_e_si)

Post #: 441

RE: The Locker Room - 10/10/2009 4:57:17 AM

pghmarty

Posts: 5338
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline

1. Brains

A Three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet," Mama answered.

2. Arguing, A Woman's Perspective

Two housewives were discussing their home lives over shopping.
One said, "It seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset over our last fight I've lost 20 pounds."
"Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.
"Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another 10 pounds."

3. Pharmacy Robbed

A local pharmacist was robbed last week and all the Viagra was stolen.
Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals!

(in reply to Over the Hill)

Post #: 442

RE: The Locker Room - 10/12/2009 5:04:56 PM

Liverache

Posts: 397
Joined: 8/16/2006
Status: offline

MY FATHER IS A STRIPPER IN A **** BAR

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what
their fathers did for a living.. All the typical answers
came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor,
lawyer, and so forth.
However,
little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when
the teacher prodded him about his father, he finally
replied,'
OK,, My father's an exotic dancer in a **** cabaret and takes off
all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in
his underwear.
Somestimes,if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy
and stay with him all night for money
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set
the other children to work on some exercises and then took
little Justin aside to ask him, 'Is that really true
about your father?'
No,the boy said, 'He actually plays for
the Browns, but I was too embarrassed to say that
in front of the class.'

_____________________________

Skill is the ability to place oneself in the position to be LUCKY often

(in reply to pghmarty)

Post #: 443

RE: The Locker Room - 10/13/2009 12:32:51 AM

pghmarty

Posts: 5338
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline

quote:

MY FATHER IS A STRIPPER IN A **** BAR

http://cleveland.craigslist.org/rnr/1418973653.html

Had to post it on the Cleveland craigslist

(in reply to Liverache)

Post #: 444

RE: The Locker Room - 10/15/2009 2:10:21 PM

bassin101

Posts: 51
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline

A guy from Pittsburgh dies and is sent to Hell.
He had been a horrible man his entire life.

The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledgehammer. To make it worse, he cranks up the temperature and the humidity.

After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is baffled as the guy from Pittsburgh is happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune.

The devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this. I've turned the heat way up, it's humid, and you’re crushing rocks; why are you so happy?"

The guy from Pittsburgh, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It reminds me of August in Pittsburgh. Hot, humid, a good place to work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"

The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the remarks of the guy from Pittsburgh. Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down a driving rain and torrential wind. Soon, Hell is a wet, muddy mess.

Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing into his eyes, the guy from Pittsburgh is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks.

Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions.

The guy from Pittsburgh replies, "This is great! Just like April in Pittsburgh. It reminds me of working out in the yard with spring planting!"

The devil is now completely baffled but more determined to make the guy from Pittsburgh suffer. He makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly Hell is blanketed in snow and ice.

Confident that this will surely make the guy from Pittsburgh unhappy, the devil checks in on him.

He is again shocked at what he sees. The guy from Pittsburgh is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee.

"How can you be so happy? Don't you know its 40 below zero!?" screams the devil.

Jumping up and down, the guy from Pittsburgh throws a snowball at the devil and yells, "Hell's frozen over! This means the Pirates won the World
Series."

(in reply to pghmarty)

Post #: 445

RE: The Locker Room - 10/16/2009 7:37:51 AM

Liverache

Posts: 397
Joined: 8/16/2006
Status: offline

" ALL PUNS INTENDED "

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true - no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

8. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

9. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

10. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

11. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

12. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

14. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

15. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

16. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open
foyer!"

17. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain and the family names him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

18. Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .. a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

21. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

22. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty-two different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

_____________________________

Skill is the ability to place oneself in the position to be LUCKY often

(in reply to bassin101)

Post #: 446

RE: The Locker Room - 10/17/2009 12:54:28 AM

pghmarty

Posts: 5338
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline

Signs You've Grown Up

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. 6 a.m. is when you get up, NOT when you go to bed.
4. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
5. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
7. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
8. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
9. If you're a woman, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
10. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.

(in reply to Liverache)

Post #: 447

RE: The Locker Room - 10/23/2009 12:25:01 PM

pghmarty

Posts: 5338
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline

The College Test

A college class were told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The story must contain the following three components:
1) Religion
2) Sexuality
3) Mystery

There was only one A+ paper in the entire class. This is the A+ story:

"Good God, I'm pregnant! I wonder who did it?"

(in reply to pghmarty)

Post #: 448

RE: The Locker Room - 10/23/2009 1:01:03 PM

Cold

Posts: 3985
Joined: 3/27/2008
From: Latrobe, PA
Status: offline

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready"

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say,' Yellow', this is Mujibar."

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems.
No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.

_____________________________

no

(in reply to pghmarty)

Post #: 449

RE: The Locker Room - 10/28/2009 12:13:08 AM

pghmarty

Posts: 5338
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline

1. The Presidential Stables

The First Lady was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury (GURU) around the Presidential Stables when one of the stallions close by broke wind so loudly it couldn't be ignored.

"Oh dear," said Mrs Obama. "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that."

"It's quite understandable," said the archbishop and - after a moment - added,
"As a matter of fact, until you spoke up, I thought it was the horse."

(in reply to Cold)

Post #: 450

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