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RE: The Locker Room - 6/5/2009 9:45:04 AM   
bassin101

 

Posts: 51
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline 		http://www.members.shaw.ca/gf3/circle-the-cat.html

(in reply to Over the Hill)
Post #: 391
RE: The Locker Room - 6/5/2009 10:10:41 AM   
Cold


Posts: 3985
Joined: 3/27/2008
From: Latrobe, PA
Status: offline 		Interesting, but not terribly hard. After my first attempt, I've gotten it every time.

_____________________________

no

(in reply to bassin101)
Post #: 392
RE: The Locker Room - 6/5/2009 11:25:27 AM   
Mikastorm


Posts: 3884
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline 		.

< Message edited by Mikastorm -- 6/5/2009 11:28:38 AM >

_____________________________


(in reply to Cold)
Post #: 393
RE: The Locker Room - 6/5/2009 1:29:10 PM   
pghmarty


Posts: 5338
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline 		How Science Works

German scientists dug 50 meters down and discovered small pieces of copper.
After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone net.

Naturally, the Russian government was not that easily impressed.
They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down. They found small pieces of glass and they soon announced that the ancient Russians 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fiber net.

American scientists were outraged by this.
They dug 200 meters down and found absolutely nothing.
They happily concluded that the ancient Americans 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

(in reply to Mikastorm)
Post #: 394
RE: The Locker Room - 6/9/2009 8:52:29 PM   
pghmarty


Posts: 5338
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline 		Q. How do New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint an "X" on the back of any sheep that kicks!


2. Name The 7 Menopausal Dwarfs

1. Itchy
2. ****y
3. Sweaty
4. Bloaty
5. Sleepy
6. Forgetful
7. Psycho

(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 395
RE: The Locker Room - 6/14/2009 8:10:41 AM   
jon_e_si

 

Posts: 743
Joined: 5/4/2006
Status: offline






THE SON OF A **** FISH!



The parish priest went on a fishing trip.



On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.



The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a ****!"



"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"



"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a **** fish!"


"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a ****!"



Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.



"Father, that's the biggest Son of a **** I've ever seen."



"Yes, it is a big Son of a ****. What should I do with it?"



"Why, eat it! Of course You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a ****!"



Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.



While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.


"Take a look at this big Son of a **** I caught!"



Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"



"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a **** fish!"


"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a ****?"



Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a **** for his dinner.


"I'll even clean the Son of a ****," she said.



As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.



"What are you doing Sister?"



"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a **** for the new Bishop's Dinner."



"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"



"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a **** Fish."



"Really? Well in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a **** can be the main course!"



"Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a ****."



On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.



The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.



The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"



"I caught that Son of a ****!" proclaimed the proud priest.



"And I cleaned the Son of a ****!" exclaimed the Sister.



The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a **** using a special recipe!"



The new Bishop looked around at each of them.



A big smile crept across his face as he said,



"You ****ers are my kind of people!"

(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 396
RE: The Locker Room - 6/15/2009 12:07:56 AM   
pghmarty


Posts: 5338
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline

(in reply to jon_e_si)
Post #: 397
RE: The Locker Room - 6/15/2009 6:41:55 PM   
pghmarty


Posts: 5338
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline 		After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said,"You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs Mallory, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said.She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud: "Bob, do we still have intercourse?" And there was a hush you could hear a pin drop.

Bob answered impatiently,"If I told you once, Irma, I told you a hundred times...What we have is
  
Blue Cross!" 

(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 398
RE: The Locker Room - 6/19/2009 12:10:55 AM   
pghmarty


Posts: 5338
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline
"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt." -Abraham Lincoln
If at first the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it. -Albert Einstein
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.
Do you hear that? That's the sound of me not caring.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
You are born, eat, breathe,hear, see, **** and defecate through a hole. All your life you chase after a hole and when you are dead, they put you in a hole. So you see my friend, there is no mystery to life, life is a hole.
The future masters of technology
will have to be lighthearted and intelligent.
The machine easily masters the grim and the dumb.
-- Marshall McLuhan, 1969

(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 399
RE: The Locker Room - 6/24/2009 11:40:30 AM   
Cold


Posts: 3985
Joined: 3/27/2008
From: Latrobe, PA
Status: offline 		Dear Dr. Phil,

When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing. Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said the wife doesn't care about fishing. She not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.

A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested. Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself. What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?

Thanks,

P.S. Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught



Dear Fisherman,

Get rid of that narrow minded wife. That's a nice pair of bass!

Dr. Phil

_____________________________

no

(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 400
RE: The Locker Room - 6/24/2009 1:05:56 PM   
Cold


Posts: 3985
Joined: 3/27/2008
From: Latrobe, PA
Status: offline 		Pirates Want Everyone In Pittsburgh To Stop Staring At Them

PITTSBURGH—On the heels of the Steelers' Super Bowl victory in February and the Penguins' Stanley Cup win last week, members of the fifth-place Pirates have asked the 320,000 residents of Pittsburgh to please stop giving them expectant, impatient looks. "Look, we know, okay? We know," Pirates shortstop Jack Wilson told reporters Wednesday, adding that staring really isn't necessary or even polite. "I can assure you it's not helping matters." Wilson said he looked forward to getting back for Tuesday’s home game against the Indians, as PNC Park is the only place where the citizens of Pittsburgh leave the team alone.

< Message edited by Cold -- 6/24/2009 1:06:07 PM >

_____________________________

no

(in reply to Cold)
Post #: 401
RE: The Locker Room - 6/30/2009 3:31:25 PM   
razmatazz05


Posts: 1039
Joined: 11/17/2006
From: 412
Status: offline 		One year, a husband decided to buy his wife a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him Why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used  the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....


**********************************************************************

My wife walked into the den & asked "What’s on the TV?"
I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started.....

**********************************************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment…’

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's **** near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started.....


**********************************************************************


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started.....


*********************************************************************

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's how the fight started....

**********************************************************************

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?''No,' she answered.I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.


And that's how the fight started....


**********************************************************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of beer for $14.95.Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.


And that's how the fight started.....


*********************************************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight started.....

_____________________________

I'd rather snag a thousand flies in trees than go to work today.


http://razgonefishing.blogspot.com/

(in reply to Cold)
Post #: 402
RE: The Locker Room - 7/8/2009 11:52:41 PM   
pghmarty


Posts: 5338
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline 		The Mother, Daughter Talk

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was probably having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant, and that this would reflect badly on the whole family, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.
He recommended that she arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
That evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about her visit to the doctor and handed her a box of condoms.
Her daughter burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying:
"Oh Mom!  You don't have to worry about that!  I'm dating Susan!"  

(in reply to razmatazz05)
Post #: 403
RE: The Locker Room - 7/30/2009 4:53:21 PM   
Pork


Posts: 285
Joined: 5/4/2009
Status: offline 		Little Johnny


The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.

Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"

To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants".

_____________________________

"If you ever get hit with a bucket of fish, be sure to close your eyes."

(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 404
RE: The Locker Room - 8/13/2009 12:40:24 PM   
Over the Hill


Posts: 1298
Joined: 3/28/2007
Status: offline
 
.


< Message edited by Over the Hill -- 8/13/2009 1:10:38 PM >

_____________________________

OVER THE HILL

Some people are like slinky's; not really good for anything, but, they bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs...

(in reply to Pork)
Post #: 405
RE: The Locker Room - 8/24/2009 8:37:46 AM   
bassin101

 

Posts: 51
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline 		AAADD
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.



My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.



I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.


At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,

(in reply to Over the Hill)
Post #: 406
RE: The Locker Room - 8/27/2009 3:21:46 AM   
pghmarty


Posts: 5338
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline 		The Note on the Fridge

Note: The following was posted very low on the door of the fridge

Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Racing me to the bathroom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.
I am very sorry about this.
Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however.
Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom!
If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door.
I must exit through the same door I entered.
Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture. (LUV THIS)
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy,walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children  

< Message edited by pghmarty -- 8/27/2009 3:23:23 AM >

(in reply to bassin101)
Post #: 407
RE: The Locker Room - 8/28/2009 9:55:32 AM   
Mikastorm


Posts: 3884
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline















Never
Argue with a Woman 

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors,
and reads her book..   
  
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman
and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" 

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "I sn't that
obvious?") 

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her 

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading" 

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you
up." 

"For reading a book," she replies, 

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her
again, 

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading" 

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you
up." 

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual
assault," says the woman. 

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. 

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
could start at any moment." 

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left. 

MORAL: Never
argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. Send this
to four women who are thinkers. If you receive this, you know you're intelligent. 


_____________________________


(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 408
RE: The Locker Room - 9/7/2009 12:05:25 PM   
pghmarty


Posts: 5338
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline

(in reply to Mikastorm)
Post #: 409
RE: The Locker Room - 9/7/2009 12:08:40 PM   
pghmarty


Posts: 5338
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: offline 		25 Drunk Animals Animals are really no different than us. They like to come home after a long day, turn on the game, crack open a cold beer, and eventually, go take a huge dump in the backyard.

http://www.holytaco.com/25-animals-drinking-alcohol



(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 410
RE: The Locker Room - 9/8/2009 2:03:59 PM   
cooljauman


Posts: 607
Joined: 8/6/2008
From: Baltimore, MD
Status: offline

_____________________________

If the world needed and enema, they'd put the tube in Philadelphia. Go Pens!

Evgeni Malkin: I'M SCOЯƎ

(in reply to pghmarty)
Post #: 411
RE: The Locker Room - 9/8/2009 2:04:52 PM   
cooljauman


Posts: 607
Joined: 8/6/2008
From: Baltimore, MD
Status: offline










< Message edited by cooljauman -- 9/8/2009 2:17:53 PM >

_____________________________

If the world needed and enema, they'd put the tube in Philadelphia. Go Pens!

Evgeni Malkin: I'M SCOЯƎ

(in reply to cooljauman)
Post #: 412
RE: The Locker Room - 9/9/2009 1:35:11 PM   
cooljauman


Posts: 607
Joined: 8/6/2008
From: Baltimore, MD
Status: offline 		online communities:




_____________________________

If the world needed and enema, they'd put the tube in Philadelphia. Go Pens!

Evgeni Malkin: I'M SCOЯƎ

(in reply to cooljauman)
Post #: 413
RE: The Locker Room - 9/9/2009 2:47:51 PM   
Cold


Posts: 3985
Joined: 3/27/2008
From: Latrobe, PA
Status: offline 		Did you see is IP-based map of the internet?

_____________________________

no

(in reply to cooljauman)
Post #: 414
RE: The Locker Room - 9/9/2009 2:52:19 PM   
cooljauman


Posts: 607
Joined: 8/6/2008
From: Baltimore, MD
Status: offline 		I have seen this one:



_____________________________

If the world needed and enema, they'd put the tube in Philadelphia. Go Pens!

Evgeni Malkin: I'M SCOЯƎ

(in reply to Cold)
Post #: 415
RE: The Locker Room - 9/9/2009 3:02:56 PM   
Cold


Posts: 3985
Joined: 3/27/2008
From: Latrobe, PA
Status: offline 		Yup, that's it!

This one's my favorite:



_____________________________

no

(in reply to cooljauman)
Post #: 416
RE: The Locker Room - 9/9/2009 3:17:31 PM   
cooljauman


Posts: 607
Joined: 8/6/2008
From: Baltimore, MD
Status: offline 		i love xkcd

their comics are hilarious

I went through a couple hundred today

not sure how computer literate you are but this one is my favorite:




_____________________________

If the world needed and enema, they'd put the tube in Philadelphia. Go Pens!

Evgeni Malkin: I'M SCOЯƎ

(in reply to Cold)
Post #: 417
RE: The Locker Room - 9/9/2009 3:30:09 PM   
Cold


Posts: 3985
Joined: 3/27/2008
From: Latrobe, PA
Status: offline 		Aaaahaha! He's great. I have several favorites...I'll have to dig em up and share.

_____________________________

no

(in reply to cooljauman)
Post #: 418
RE: The Locker Room - 9/9/2009 7:05:41 PM   
cooljauman


Posts: 607
Joined: 8/6/2008
From: Baltimore, MD
Status: offline 		another of my favorites:




_____________________________

If the world needed and enema, they'd put the tube in Philadelphia. Go Pens!

Evgeni Malkin: I'M SCOЯƎ

(in reply to Cold)
Post #: 419
RE: The Locker Room - 9/10/2009 2:44:31 PM   
cooljauman


Posts: 607
Joined: 8/6/2008
From: Baltimore, MD
Status: offline 		good photoshop joke:



_____________________________

If the world needed and enema, they'd put the tube in Philadelphia. Go Pens!

Evgeni Malkin: I'M SCOЯƎ

(in reply to cooljauman)
Post #: 420
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