RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny

RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny

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RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny - 10/28/2008 7:58:06 PM

Clancie

Posts: 32
Joined: 9/12/2006
Status: offline

Bump

(in reply to Mikastorm)

Post #: 301

RE: The Locker Room - 10/31/2008 11:10:47 AM

lilfishersmom

Posts: 3
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.....

So, I took her to a gas station.....

And then the fight started....

*****************************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started

(in reply to T.T.)

Post #: 302

RE: The Locker Room - 11/3/2008 10:58:35 PM

pghmarty

Posts: 4493
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: online

Evening Classes For Women

1. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet, Too.
2. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His.
3. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
4. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
5. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want Without Nagging.
6. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.
7. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.
8. Oil and Gasoline: Your Car Needs Both.
9. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
10. TV Remotes: For Men Only.

(in reply to lilfishersmom)

Post #: 303

RE: The Locker Room - 11/4/2008 9:00:28 AM

pghmarty

Posts: 4493
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: online

SIGNS

1. Sign over a Gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones at your cervix!"
2. In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
3. On a septic tank truck: "Yesterday's Meals On Wheels".
4. On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
5. On another plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
6. At a tire store: "Invite us to your next blowout."
7. On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
8. On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
9. On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
10. At a radiator shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

(in reply to pghmarty)

Post #: 304

RE: The Locker Room - 11/8/2008 11:42:12 AM

pghmarty

Posts: 4493
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: online

Groaners!

1. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

2. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

3. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

4. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

5. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

6. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

< Message edited by pghmarty -- 12/21/2008 12:57:22 PM >

(in reply to pghmarty)

Post #: 305

RE: The Locker Room - 11/13/2008 1:31:16 AM

pghmarty

Posts: 4493
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: online

Lost Grandpa

was at the Mall with my 5-year-old grandson last week and we got separated.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my Grandpa!"
"What's he like?" asked the policeman.
"Beer and women with big boobs," replied my grandson.
I've never been more proud of him.

(in reply to pghmarty)

Post #: 306

RE: The Locker Room - 11/13/2008 12:03:13 PM

Over the Hill

Posts: 618
Joined: 3/28/2007
Status: offline

AGELESS WIT AND OBSERVATIONS

'If you don't read the newspaper
you are uninformed, if you do
read the newspaper you are
misinformed.'
Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot.
And suppose you were a member of Congress....
But then I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
- George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-G Gordon Liddy

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
-Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-Mark Twain (1866 )

Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-Unknown

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-Winston Churchill

There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.
-Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson

< Message edited by Over the Hill -- 11/13/2008 12:04:34 PM >

_____________________________

OVER THE HILL

Some people are like slinky's; not really good for anything, but, they bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs...

(in reply to pghmarty)

Post #: 307

RE: The Locker Room - 11/13/2008 6:42:03 PM

pappy69

Posts: 382
Joined: 6/18/2006
Status: online

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson

Thank God, the nation just voted a government out of office that tried that.

_____________________________

Pappy

(in reply to Over the Hill)

Post #: 308

RE: The Locker Room - 11/16/2008 9:29:51 AM

Mikastorm

Posts: 2927
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

Redneck computer chair: Beer and a toilet at your desk... why leave work.

< Message edited by Mikastorm -- 11/16/2008 9:31:24 AM >

_____________________________

(in reply to pappy69)

Post #: 309

RE: The Locker Room - 11/20/2008 10:53:30 AM

lilfishersmom

Posts: 3
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass -. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know chit?'

(in reply to Mikastorm)

Post #: 310

RE: The Locker Room - 11/20/2008 10:55:05 AM

rapala11

Posts: 2951
Joined: 3/5/2006
Status: online

aw mom, that is great

_____________________________

silence means consent.....

..."Old men start wars...young men die in them."

(in reply to lilfishersmom)

Post #: 311

RE: The Locker Room - 11/20/2008 11:21:37 AM

PACOFRANSICO

Posts: 17
Joined: 11/11/2008
Status: offline

A brigade of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. "One man from Texas is better than ten Iraqis." The Iraqi commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes and then, silence. The voice once again calls out

"One man from Texas is better than one hundred Iraqi."

Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again, silence. The Rebel voice calls out again

"One man from Texas is better than one thousand Iraqi."

The enraged Iraqi commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.

Eventually one badly wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander,

"Don't send any more men...it's a trap. There are two of them.

< Message edited by PACOFRANSICO -- 11/20/2008 11:26:37 AM >

_____________________________

I'm just a peckerwood who lives in the hills with too many guns!

(in reply to pghmarty)

Post #: 312

RE: The Locker Room - 11/20/2008 11:32:16 AM

PACOFRANSICO

Posts: 17
Joined: 11/11/2008
Status: offline

< Message edited by PACOFRANSICO -- 11/20/2008 11:39:21 AM >

_____________________________

I'm just a peckerwood who lives in the hills with too many guns!

(in reply to pghmarty)

Post #: 313

RE: The Locker Room - 11/24/2008 5:03:32 PM

pghmarty

Posts: 4493
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: online

Father, Son-In-Law Talk

A young woman brought her fiancé to visit her parents.
After a nice dinner, the father invited the fiancé to the library for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" he asked the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replied.
"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," said the father. "Admirable, but how will you provide a home for my daughter?"
"I will study," the young man said, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her an engagement ring, such as she deserves?"
"I will focus on my studies and God will provide for us."
"And how will you support your children?"
"Don't worry, sir. God will provide."
The conversation continued like this; each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.
Later, when the mother asked about the male conversation, the father sighed, "Well, he has no job and no plan, but the good news is: he thinks I'm God!"

(in reply to PACOFRANSICO)

Post #: 314

RE: The Locker Room - 12/4/2008 4:01:44 PM

pghmarty

Posts: 4493
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: online

Spaghetti
John is fooling around with his Italian assistant.
She gets pregnant.
He doesn't want his wife to find out.
John says to his assistant,"Go back to Italy.
When the baby is born, send me a post card saying spaghetti.
I'll send welfare checks every month."
He buys her a plane ticket.
About 9 months later, his wife says," Honey, you got the strangest postcard today." he reads it.
It says: SPAGHETTI, SPAGHETTI, SPAGHETTI, SPAGHETTI, SPAGHETTI. TWO WITH MEATBALLS, THREE WITHOUT. SEND EXTRA SAUCE.

< Message edited by pghmarty -- 12/21/2008 12:57:00 PM >

(in reply to pghmarty)

Post #: 315

RE: The Locker Room - 12/13/2008 5:34:27 PM

pghmarty

Posts: 4493
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: online

Belief

When the local church found out their small town was going to get a new tavern, they started a petition campaign and regular prayers to block the bar from opening.

Work progressed uneventfully until the night before the bar was set to open, when a huge storm blew through and a lightning bolt struck the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were quite "smug" until the bar owner sued them on the grounds that they were responsible for his building's demise, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

In court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

As the case concluded, the judge looked over the paperwork and commented, "I'm not sure how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and an entire church congregation that doesn't!"

(in reply to pghmarty)

Post #: 316

RE: The Locker Room - 12/17/2008 12:03:09 PM

pghmarty

Posts: 4493
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: online

Girl Can't Shoot Gun Maybe She Should Start Working Out.

http://www.flurl.com/video/32313175_girl_cant_shoot_gun.htm

(in reply to pghmarty)

Post #: 317

RE: The Locker Room - 12/17/2008 7:45:38 PM

2dog

Posts: 837
Status: offline

She can shoot. Her stance needs some work.

(in reply to pghmarty)

Post #: 318

RE: The Locker Room - 12/17/2008 11:31:10 PM

egg sac

Posts: 2514
Joined: 10/2/2000
Status: offline

Before trying out his Christmas gift, Plaxico ponders this warning:

"You'll shoot your thigh out."

_____________________________

SO MANY FISH SO LITTLE TIME.
WHY ARE ALL THE PLACES I HAVE YET 2 FISH SO FAR AWAY?

(in reply to 2dog)

Post #: 319

RE: The Locker Room - 12/17/2008 11:32:51 PM

Over the Hill

Posts: 618
Joined: 3/28/2007
Status: offline

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

----------------------------------------------------------
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
---------------------------------------------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
---------------------------------------------------------
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.

----------------------------------------------------------
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.

----------------------------------------------------------
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, You wish you had ordered that.

----------------------------------------------------------
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

----------------------------------------------------------
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

----------------------------------------------------------
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

_____________________________

OVER THE HILL

Some people are like slinky's; not really good for anything, but, they bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs...

(in reply to egg sac)

Post #: 320

RE: The Locker Room - 12/19/2008 1:56:04 PM

Over the Hill

Posts: 618
Joined: 3/28/2007
Status: offline

A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on
>'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
>
>Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to
>lighten the mood slightly.
>
>He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what
>your a****** is doing while you're having an o******?'
>
>She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'
>

_____________________________

OVER THE HILL

Some people are like slinky's; not really good for anything, but, they bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs...

(in reply to Over the Hill)

Post #: 321

RE: The Locker Room - 12/21/2008 12:56:41 PM

pghmarty

Posts: 4493
Joined: 12/5/2004
From: Bradford Pa then Pittsburgh
Status: online

The Biker's Dog

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."
"BULL!" roared the biker. "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

(in reply to Over the Hill)

Post #: 322

RE: The Locker Room - 1/7/2009 4:21:01 PM

Over the Hill

Posts: 618
Joined: 3/28/2007
Status: offline

Oil Change instructions for Women :
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change:          $20.00
Coffee:< /SPAN>         $ 1.00
Total:      < /SPAN>     $21.00


Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store, and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner, and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up.  Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil:  splash hot oil on you in process.  Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.  Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes.   Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.  Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.  Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill.  Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes.  Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug.  Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts:                                   $     50.00
DUI:               $2,500.00
Impound fee:$      75.00
Bail:                         $1,500.00
Beer:                                            $   20.00
Total:            $4,145.00

_____________________________

OVER THE HILL

Some people are like slinky's; not really good for anything, but, they bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs...

(in reply to pghmarty)

Post #: 323

RE: The Locker Room - 1/7/2009 7:04:36 PM

Mikastorm