RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (Full Version)

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Mikastorm -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (8/20/2008 7:44:42 AM)

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"



Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."


"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"


"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.



Mikastorm -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (8/20/2008 7:45:26 AM)




An elderly gentleman...


Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%


The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."


The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.


I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"



pghmarty -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (8/21/2008 5:58:22 PM)

Know When To Stop (Warning: Major Groaner)

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.
The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs.
The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son anyway and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink.
Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells his son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.
The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Swoooop!
Two arms pops out.
The bar goes wild.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop! Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head.



Mikastorm -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (8/22/2008 5:40:01 PM)

Now thats funny![image]http://forums.fishusa.com/micons/m9.gif[/image]



pghmarty -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (8/24/2008 3:20:33 PM)

[image]http://i255.photobucket.com/albums/hh127/fireball0074/FAMILYPLANNING.jpg[/image]  [image]http://i255.photobucket.com/albums/hh127/fireball0074/Picture185-1-1.jpg[/image][image]http://i255.photobucket.com/albums/hh127/fireball0074/congrats.jpg[/image][image]http://i255.photobucket.com/albums/hh127/fireball0074/policenotfunny.jpg[/image][image]http://i255.photobucket.com/albums/hh127/fireball0074/cats-are-not-that-funny.jpg[/image]







pghmarty -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (8/24/2008 7:28:41 PM)

Snappy Answers

1. A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.  As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened  his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat she said,  "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

2. A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,  but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock  boy, Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

3. The police officer got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," said the officer.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could".
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

4. A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up  that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right  ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The officer gets out of his car and walks  around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,  "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."



pghmarty -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (8/25/2008 10:58:41 PM)

More Snappy Answers

1. A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class,I  won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or  a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.     
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,
"Well, I  guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

2. A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blond responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" answered the blond."They're watch dogs!"

3. A pompous minister was seated next to a Texan on a flight to Dallas.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Texan asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would l like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Texan looked at the minister, then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"I didn't know we had a choice. I'll have what he's having."



flyfishermanPA -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (8/25/2008 11:01:50 PM)

That's funny



MuskyMastr -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (8/25/2008 11:36:34 PM)

An elderly gentleman is having trouble accessing the fishUSA discussion boards with his computer.  Frustrated with the continuous error messages he goes next door to see his 15 year old neighbor (whos room is equipped similarly to NASA's mission control).  The young man comes over and with a few simple clicks of the mouse, he has the old man back on his beloved discussion forums.

The old man thanks him and as the young man walks away the old man says,
"Wait a minute, what was wrong?"
"It was an ID ten T error" says the young man.
"If I don't know what that is, how will I fix it if it happens again?" replies the old man.
"I don't even know what that is!" he blurts frustratedly.
As the teenager is entering his house he replies'
"write it out on paper, you will understand, maybe."
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
ID ten T error
ID10T Error
That young man was removed from the will.



gobyking -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (8/26/2008 3:03:21 AM)

In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey
Butane in my veins and I’m out to cut the junkie
With the plastic eyeballs, spray-paint the vegetables
Dog food stalls with the beefcake pantyhose
Kill the headlights and put it in neutral
Stock car flamin’ with a loser and the cruise control
Baby’s in reno with the vitamin d
Got a couple of couches, sleep on the love-seat
Someone came in sayin’ I’m insane to complain
About a shotgun wedding and a stain on my shirt
Don’t believe everything that you breathe
You get a parking violation and a maggot on your sleeve
So shave your face with some mace in the dark
Savin’ all your food stamps and burnin’ down the trailer park

Yo. cut it.

I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?

(double barrel buckshot)
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?

Forces of evil on a bozo nightmare
Ban all the music with a phony gas chamber
’cuz one’s got a weasel and the other’s got a flag
One’s on the pole, shove the other in a bag
With the rerun shows and the cocaine nose-job
The daytime crap of the folksinger slob
He hung himself with a guitar string
A slab of turkey-neck and it’s hangin’ from a pigeon wing
You can’t write if you can’t relate
Trade the cash for the beef for the body for the hate
And my time is a piece of wax fallin’ on a termite
who's chokin’ on the splinters

I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?
(get crazy with the cheese whiz)
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?
(drive-by body-pierce)
(yo bring it on down)
Soooooaaaar....

?em llik uoy t'nod yhw os ,ybab resol a m'I adanaC revo raoS
[You can hear hear it if you reverse it.]

(I’m a driver, I’m a winner; things are gonna change I can feel it)

I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?
(I can’t believe you)
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?
(Nlehh...)
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?
(Sprechen Sie Deutsch hier, Baby!)
I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?
(know what I’m sayin’? )



jrthe3 -> RE: The Locker Room (8/27/2008 3:02:35 AM)


Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 . REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND ;

He said .. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said . . ..You wear pants don't you?  















He said Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!  



He said .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!  



He said . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.



pghmarty -> RE: The Locker Room (8/27/2008 12:14:11 PM)

1. Q & A
Q. How can you tell which medicine bottle contains the PMS pills?
A. It's the one with the bite marks on the cap!

2. Naming The Kidlet

A friend noticed Mary Lou was pregnant.
She asked Mary Lou's 4-year-old son if he was excited about the new baby.
"Yes!" replied the lad, to his mother's surprise, "and I even know what we're going to name it."
"Really?" asked the woman.
"Yup! If it's a girl we're gonna call her 'Christina,' and if it's another boy we're gonna call it 'Quits'!"



rapala11 -> RE: The Locker Room (8/27/2008 12:33:09 PM)

Five surgeons from 5 big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Chicago responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!  Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
  The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , D.C.  shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong.  Politicians are the easiest to operate on.  There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.



Mikastorm -> RE: The Locker Room (8/27/2008 9:32:10 PM)

Lol. Good one but true! lol



Skip16503 -> Olympics Quote (8/27/2008 11:50:45 PM)

 



Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:







 
1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'
 
2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
 
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'
 
4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'
 
5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'
 
6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'
 
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'
 
8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'
 
9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'



Mikastorm -> RE: Olympics Quote (8/28/2008 8:52:51 AM)

> A REDNECK LOVE POEM
>
>
>
> SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
>
> SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
>
> SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
>
> SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
>
>
>
> PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
>
> YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
>
> I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
>
> BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
>
>
>
> SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
>
> AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
>
> BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
>
> HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'
>
>
>
> YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
>
> AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
>
> BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
>
> I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
>
>
>
> BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
>
> JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
>
> MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
>
> YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
>
>
>
>
>
> Kinda' brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?



pghmarty -> RE: Olympics Quote (8/29/2008 7:24:42 PM)

Thank You, Dear!

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting.
Not looking up from her knitting she says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
She smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
"Yeah, well, you see officer,
I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket," the driver responds.
His wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on.
You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And, as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks,
"WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
(Wait for it ..... )





"Only when he's been drinking, officer."



Mikastorm -> RE: Olympics Quote (8/31/2008 8:06:15 PM)

http://www.inews3.com/content.php?id=4a6f686e7c4e69636b6c65



Skip16503 -> RE: Olympics Quote (8/31/2008 10:45:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mikastorm

http://www.inews3.com/content.php?id=4a6f686e7c4e69636b6c65



Now thats awesome  John you got my vote  LOL



pghmarty -> RE: Olympics Quote (9/2/2008 1:18:51 PM)

Heaven

An elderly couple made a deal that whoever died first would somehow come back to inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there really was no Heaven.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go and, true to his word, a few weeks later as his wife sat and watched TV, she heard a ghostly voice saying, "Maude... Maude ... "

"Is that you, John?" she asked as she looked in vain around the room.

The voice responded, "Yes Maude, I've come back just like we agreed."

"What's it like, John?" Maude asked.

"Well," said John, "I get up in the morning and I have sex.
Then I have breakfast, and after that more sex.
I bathe in the sun for a while and then I have sex twice.
I have lunch, then have sex pretty much all afternoon.
After dinner I have sex until late at night and the next day it starts all over again."

"Oh, John," Maude said, "then surely you must be in heaven!"

"Not exactly," John said. "I'm a rabbit somewhere near Diablo, Colorado."



Mikastorm -> RE: Olympics Quote (9/2/2008 4:19:16 PM)

[image]http://forums.fishusa.com/micons/m9.gif[/image][image]http://forums.fishusa.com/micons/m9.gif[/image][image]http://forums.fishusa.com/micons/m9.gif[/image][image]http://forums.fishusa.com/micons/m9.gif[/image]!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



pghmarty -> RE: Olympics Quote (9/3/2008 7:03:17 PM)

A couple decides to go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside.
It is a fine Saturday afternoon, and they are watching the auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off is, "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."

The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments, "See! That was more than five times a month!"

As the second bull is to be sold is brought up, the auctioneer says, "Another fine specimen, this wonder
reproduced 120 times last year."

Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do you say to that?"

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

"And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!" the auctioneer declared of the third bull for sale.

The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about you?"

Her husband was pretty irritated by now and snaps back,

"Sure, once a day! Great! But you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!"



pghmarty -> RE: Olympics Quote (9/17/2008 7:44:19 PM)

BAD HUMOR At The Theater

Barry was hired to play trumpet on a movie score and was thrilled when he got to take two long solos.
After the sessions, he couldn't wait to see the finished product.
He waited a month and then asked the producer when and where it was going to play.
The embarrassed producer explained that the music was for a porno movie and it was out now.
Barry put on a hat and sunglasses, pulled up his collar, and sneaked into the adult movie theater.
He sat far in the back, near an elderly couple who were also hiding.
The movie was the filthiest, most perverse flick he'd ever seen... halfway through a dog even got in on the action.     Embarrassed, Barry whispered to the old couple, "I'm only here for the music."
The woman looked back and whispered, "It's okay. We're just here to see our dog!"



jon_e_si -> RE: Olympics Quote (9/18/2008 5:37:29 AM)

A 5 year old's first job........


                 Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond
             formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some
             construction workers that will make you believe
             that we all can make a difference when we give
             a child the gift of our time.             

               A young family moved into a house, next to a
             vacant lot.  One day, a construction crew began
             to build a house on the empty lot.  The young
             family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an
             interest in the goings-on and spent much of
             each day observing the workers.             

      [font=""]Eventually the construction crew, all of them
            'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her
             as a kind of pro ject mascot.  They chatted with
             her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her
             little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
             important.  At the end of the first week, they even
             presented her with a pay envelope containing ten
             dollars.  The little girl took this home to her
             mother who suggested that she take her ten
             dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next
             day to start a savings account.             

             When the girl and her mom got to the bank,                       
             the teller was equally impressed and asked
              the little girl how she had come by her very
              own pay check at such a young age.  The
              little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week
              with a real construction crew building the new
              house next door to us." 

            "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller,
             "and will you be working on the house again
              this week, too?"

             The little girl replied, "I will, if those
              assholes at Home Depot ever deliver
              the fuckin' sheet rock."             

             Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?
 
 
 
 

A little church humor here!  
Subject: Green Persimons




There was a church down in Texas that had a young, very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced  and jiggled while she played the organ. Her trim waist made the jiggle even that more apparent.  

Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably - especially the men. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.  

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.  

She agreed to try it.  

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a Thermon tewday."    SISTER MARY
ANN'S GASOLINE

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.  As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.








The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned
out,but she could wait until it was returned.
 

Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient,she decided
not to wait and walked back to her car..
[font="comic san s ms"]
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and
[font="comic san s ms"]spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful,
[font="comic san s ms"]Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline,
[font="comic san s ms"]and carried the full bedpan back to her car.


As she was pouring the gas into her tank,two Baptists watched from
across the street.  One of them turned to theother and said,
 
'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'    If you don't laugh at this one, you're not
breathing.


 A firefighter was working on the engine outside
the station when he noticed a little girl
nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders
hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in
the middle.





The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The
wagon was being  pulled by her dog and her cat. The
firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is
a  nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with
admiration.


 'Thanks,' the girl replied. 

The firefighter looked a little closer. 
The fireman noticed the girl had tied the wagon to
her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to
run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the
cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'


The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're
probably right, but  then I wouldn't have a
siren.'



Jokerball101 -> RE: Olympics Quote (9/26/2008 3:47:46 PM)

A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for.
I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy".
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."



Deadbolt401 -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (9/26/2008 6:46:18 PM)

What do you call a field full of bulls masterbating?


BEEF Stroganoff!

Thank you thank you.



pghmarty -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (9/30/2008 3:03:41 PM)

Famous Quotes

1. "I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: 'No good in bed, but fine against a wall'." - Eleanor Roosevelt

2. "Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement." -- Mark Twain

3. "The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible." -- George Burns

4. "What would men be without women? Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce." -- Mark Twain

5. "Don't worry about avoiding temptation ... as you grow older, it will avoid you." -- Winston Churchill



pghmarty -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (10/4/2008 7:47:09 PM)

The Gorilla Language

A man, visiting the zoo, was standing before the gorilla cage when a gust of wind blew some dust in his eye.
He pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle and the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars of his cage, and beat the guy senseless.
When he came to, the zookeeper asked him what happened.
The man explained and the zookeeper said, "I'm not surprised.
You see, in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means "F you."
The man vowed revenge.
The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage.
He hurried to the zoo, hid the sausage in his pants, and then went to the gorilla's cage.
He tossed one party hat, one horn, and one knife into the cage.
Knowing that apes are natural mimics, he put on his party hat.
The gorilla saw him, looked at his hat, and put it on.
Then the man picked up his horn and blew it.
The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same.
Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage from his pants, and sliced it neatly in two.
The gorilla looked down at his knife, looked at his crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid!



pghmarty -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (10/5/2008 11:37:53 AM)

[image]http://www.insanityplanet.com/Pictures%20Site/goodhome.jpg[/image] [image]http://www.insanityplanet.com/Pictures%20Site/datewyom.jpg[/image] [image]http://www.insanityplanet.com/Pictures%20Site/184.jpg[/image]


Naked Chicks
http://www.insanityplanet.com/Pictures%20Site/nakedchicks.jpg


[image]http://www.insanityplanet.com/Pictures%20Site/Boarding.jpg[/image]
Eriez Coast Guard protecting us from those pesky Canadians!



Mikastorm -> RE: I dont care who you are, this is funny (10/13/2008 11:55:29 AM)


Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South




Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.  

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'



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