FishBiologist
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NEWS FLASH: PBFC to begin Steelhead education program
News for Official Release: November 1,2008
Pennsylvania PBFC (PowerBait and FishChummers) association announced today that they would begin a steelhead education program to enhance the quality of fishing in the Keystoned State. The new hatchery program will involve an innovative technique using MicroShoKz Technologies microfish transducers to train steelhead much the same as electroshock collars are used to train dogs, cats, and hamsters. The transducers will be injected into all infant steelhead and the smarter fish will be stocked in spring 2009.
"We were getting a lot of complaints that our fish were too dumb and would bite almost anything within minutes and sometimes seconds after being chummed," said JoeBob Fairview, Chief Fish Biologist at Fairview Fish Hatchery. "Sometimes those chummers would have their limit of 10 fish before our stock trucks were out of sight. It's really traumatic for our workers on the truck and flyfishermen in the area." Mr. Fairview noted. These horrific unsportmenlike displays have caused at least 2 hatchery workers to go on permanent disability and several flyfishermen have fainted streamside spilling their beer. "We hope to reduce our Disability payout with this new program. And we'll will keep all of those fishing slobs from having any fun." Fairview reinterated."
Another hatchery worker, Dr. JimBob Girard, Head Raceway Attendant, explained the new training procedure. "Once the microthingys are implanted, we deliver a shock to the fish during feeding. We throw out a handful of LittleRichards brand salmon eggs and if the fish bite, we shock the heck out of 'em. After about a gallon of eggs and maybe 10 or 12 shocks, some of the fish are floating bellyup and the rest are so scared they huddle in the far end of the raceway," laughs Dr. Girard. "Some of the bellyup fish die, but the others learn real quick." He says with a knowing smile. "We have some cats around the hatchery and we just throw them the dead fish and those cats eat the heck out of em. Only problem is we have extra cat food now and our cats are getting as big as hogs" He smirked. "Sometimes those cats swallow the transducers whole and when we shock the fish, the cats let out a terrifying shriek." He added. Once the baby trout are trained what NOT to eat, the fish are then fed a natural steelhead diet consisting of
terrestrial bugs, non-terrestrial flies, extraterrestrial aliens, scuba diving bugs and Chartruese PowerBait.
Some groups have applauded the program including Zero Imbecile Trout. "We love this new program since most of our members are fly fishermen and can really snag these wily fish." Said Sir Edward Trouthead, Head Member of PA-ZIT. 'We've got plenty of members that have been snagging for years, but now they'll be able to catch a ton of steel just like those chumtards." Trouthead related. "We've always snagged the smartest fish, but the bait fishermen always cleaned up on those stupid pet fish from the hatchery. Now we'll be the ones cleaning up and those guys will be beatin the water for nothing."
While flyfishing groups are overjoyed, many baitslinging fishermen are not so happy. Mr. Thomcat Eggchucker, a Girard resident, told of his frustration with the new fish and eventual success. "The hatchery did a test stocking of the new fish in Elk Creek near my house" He said. "I couldn't catch one of those blasted new steelhead and I chummed everything I had eggs, skein, treble hooks, woolybuggers, and even pieces of my own foreskin. They wouldn't bite nothin." He said in disgust. "I thought about snaggin em but I was afraid my fellow fishermen would think less of me. Then one day, I bought one of those newfangled dog collars to train my dumb dog. I shocked him about 10 times straight and lo and behold a bunch of steelhead just came afloatin bellyup in the creek. I didn't have my fishin gear so I just grabbed my limit of 10 fish and threw them up on the bank" Mr. Eggchucker's good luck was shorted lived however. "I ran up to the house to get my heavy duty rope stringer, but before I could get back my neighbor's cat had eaten half of em. That cat is gettin as big as a hog so I'll catch him one of these days". Unfortunately, Mr Egghead has been haunted since then due to terrible shreiking sounds when using the shock collar.
Chief Fairview is hopeful for the new program. "We knew these chum fishermen were having a blast, but in our view it wasn't fair to the fish. We also felt that it really wasn't the high quality natural fishing experience we wanted in our PA Steelhead culverts. This program will entice chumming spin fishermen to begin fly-fishing. Heck, they should have been flyfishing anyway." He said. "There's just nothing like that tingly-all-over feeling you get when you catch a Steelhead on a dry fly. I caught one in the last five years and it's just awesome. It makes you feel like you've really accomplished something and then you feel superior to all other fishermen." He stated. "Plus, I own a flyfishing shop and guide service so I'm gonna make a bundle." Edray blurted... Letting the cat out of the bag.
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NEWS FLASH: PBFC to begin AntiChumming Steelhead educat... - 
Awesome thread!!! Funny as heck!
RE: NEWS FLASH: PBFC to begin AntiChumming Steelhead ed... - 
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